From The Comedy Store
President Obama will take the oath of office with Lincoln’s bible and give his State of the Union on Lincoln’s birthday. What’s with him? It’s the most effort by a president to be just like his hero since Bill Clinton took the oath of office with his right hand on a stack of Playboys.
The NRA reported several hundred thousand new members as gun control laws loomed. Gun stores are running out. Thanks to President Obama, there’s a shortage of guns and a doctor shortage, so people who are feeling badly will just have to tough it out.
USA Today showed a map detailing the spread of the flu epidemic across the United States this month. The flu epidemic has hit every state except California and Mississippi. It just shows that flu germs check the public school rankings before they’ll settle anywhere.
Cuban citizens were allowed by their government to begin flying freely to the United States for the first time in fifty years. Are these people in for a surprise. They think that they’re escaping rule by decree, government health care and subsidized housing.
President Obama held a press conference to insist that Congress must raise the debt limit and vowed he won’t give up a ransom to pay our country’s bills. He said that Congress can’t hold a gun to the head of the American people. That’s what the IRS is for.
Joe Biden told the country there’s no silver bullet to end gun violence. As for his panel report, he said he’s shooting for Tuesday. Everyone agrees we need a five-day waiting period before Joe Biden can open his mouth, and if that doesn’t work, a safety lock.
The Federal Aviation Administration wants to ban airline pilots from using personal wireless devices inside the cockpit. They don’t want the pilots using iPads and laptops while they’re up in the air. They keep spilling their beers on them and ruining the screens.
President Obama’s step-brother Malik Obama announced that he’s running for governer of a state in Kenya. The resemblance is uncanny. A real estate magnate in Nairobi is going around telling anybody who’ll listen that he was born in the United States.
President Obama deputized doctors to ask patients if they have guns and where they keep them. This can’t happen. When you consider where doctors have their hands while they’re interrogating you, it makes waterboarding look like a neck massage.
Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance enhancing drugs to win his Tour de France titles. His wins have been revoked. Lance’s record for rolling through France in twenty-three days has been returned to Adolf Hitler, who did it in twenty-four days.
CBS News star Bob Schieffer compared President Obama’s battle with the NRA to the effort to defeat Hitler. It’s a new low for the media. It just poured salt on the wound the next day when CBS apologized to the surviving members of the Hitler family.
President Obama demanded a bill requiring background checks for any private gun sales. He wants to know who has guns and where they are. Now everyone in the Mexican drug cartel has to make a doctor’s appointment and tell where they keep the guns.
Hillary Clinton refused to answer any questions about U.S. citizens taken hostage in Algeria. She also won’t answer questions about the Benghazi raid. Four years ago the administration ended the War on Terror and replaced it with the War on Answers.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton