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From The Comedy Store

Argus Hamilton · Feb. 9, 2013

Zimbabwe’s finance minister announced that the African nation has exactly two hundred and seventeen dollars in the bank. It’s left a lot of people embarrassed. It could result in the first time the United States attacked another country for showboating.

It’s another victory for the ten percent flat tax and reduced entitlement spending. Five years ago Zimbabwe was the joke of the financial world and today it’s number two on the Forbes list of richest countries.

The Americans aired on FX about a Soviet spy couple living in Washington D.C.‘s suburbs in the early Eighties. It’s thrilling. In the first episode they successfully get Barack Obama into Harvard on a forign student scholarship and then shred all the records.

President Obama said he hopes to sign an immigration bill by the end of the year. He doesn’t want it to be tough. The last time Mexico’s president came to the U.S., he offered to take President Obama’s job for three dollars an hour cash under the table.

GOP lawmakers called the president’s immigration reform proposal nothing but blanket amnesty. The administration is nothing if not compassionate. When Joe Biden was asked what he thinks about amnesty, he said it’s terrible when anyone loses their memory.

The White House started construction on a second Oval Office at the Executive Office building across the street to accomodate renovations. They’re connected by a tunnel. The White House won’t refer to the tunnel as a tunnel, they call it a pathway to citizenship.

President Obama allowed his Jobs Council to expire without renewing its charter despite high unemployment and a contracting economy. The members never met anyway. The Jobs Council was only intended to save one job, and now its work is done.

The U.S. Embassy in Turkey was attacked by an Islamist suicide bomber. It was the eighth embassy attack while Hillary was Secretary of State. The Democrats rallied around Hillary and said it was Bush’s fault, and Al Gore sold one of his companies to Turkey.

The Justice Department released a memo backing President Obama’s power to order drone strikes to kill U.S. citizens. He’s on a roll. This follows the release of last week’s Justice Department memo asserting the president’s authority to shoot skeet.

The NFL scheduled next year’s Super Bowl to be played outdoors in the cold weather up in New Jersey. Whose idiot idea was this? The Super Bowl used to be the premier sporting event on the calendar, now it’s just one more bailout for hurricane-ravaged cities.

The Auto Club reported that gas prices hit an all-time high for February, passing four dollars a gallon in Los Angeles. It hurts everyone. During the morning rush hour, Los Angeles cops pulled over a van heading into downtown and found fifty legal Americans in it.

House Republicans held a hearing on immigration looking for a middle way between amnesty and deportations. Illegal immigrants pay no income taxes and the government has no control over them. They’re the Republicans the Republicans have long dreamed of being.

The U.S. Postal Service announced Wednesday it will end Saturday mail delivery this August despite protests by letter carriers. They already upset customers by raising the price of a stamp another penny to forty-nine cents last week. The extra penny’s for storage.

© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton