From The Comedy Store
The White House released a video of President Obama extending his Valentine’s Day greetings. It shows the president saying that if you haven’t met that someone special, he hopes you’ll meet that someone special soon. Of course, he is talking to a drone.
The Nixon Library opened an exhibit about how Richard Nixon coached Bill Clinton when he first became president. They got along great. Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton agreed on much despite their radically different philosophies on how to screw the country.
The Vatican disclosed that Pope Benedict struck his head on a wooden beam in a hotel room during a trip to Mexico. It’s widely believed that he suffered a serious head injury. President Obama said if he had a son he’s not sure if he’d allow him to be pope.
President Obama took a three-day vacation in Palm Beach. Critics said it’s the height of the season when hotel rooms are most expensive for his security entourage. We’ve gotten to the point where one third of the federal budget deficit is just his green fees.
Tiger Woods addressed reporters at Tucson’s Accenture Match Play Championships to discuss his golf date with President Obama. He said the president has a nice touch and an excellent aim. Obviously Tiger’s never seen President Obama’s drone strikes.
U.S. Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee addressed the House and identified herself as a freed slave. That makes her a hundred and sixty. It’s the same kind of math the Democrats used in promoting the health care bill to explain how it would save money.
Russia was struck by a meteor that was televised descending from the sky and exploding over the tundra. It caused a minor earthquake. The meteor didn’t dare land in the United States, because the meteor knows we have a president who skeet shoots.
Joe Biden spoke against assault weapons and advised women to go outside and fire two shots from a double barreled shotgun to scare off intruders. He’s so wise. Once an intruder knows your gun is empty he’ll gladly go home and leave you alone, ladies.
USA Today reports U.S. immigration police angered Mexicans by planning to increase the expulsions of illegal immigrants who have criminal records. You can understand their anger. They had no idea it was a crime when they bought all those guns from the FBI.
President Obama played a secret round of golf with Tiger Woods in Palm Beach with no press allowed at the club. He picked up some helpful tips. Tiger Woods shared his expertise with the president and now all the text messages from Benghazi have been erased.
The White House sent a congratulatory message to the Vatican to salute Pope Benedict after the pontiff retired. It was gracious, if grudging. President Obama and Pope Benedict met just once, and neither could stand the other’s holier-than-thou attitude.
President Obama’s favorite hamburger and barbecue restaurant in Washington D.C. was padlocked by its landlord for failure to pay rent. It’s where the president enjoys burgers and fries and now it’s totally shut down. Well played, Michelle, well played.
Jesse Jackson, Jr. pleaded guilty to campaign finance fraud while serving as a Member of Congress Tuesday. He stole a fortune from his campaign fund. Chicago politicians always wear pin-striped suits so that when they go to jail they don’t have to change clothes.
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