From The Comedy Store
Kenya’s government called its first election in six years Sunday, prompting President Obama’s half-brother to announce he’s running for office. He was born in Kenya and had never held office before. The half-brother, on the other hand, has some actual experience.
Italian voters split between Silvio Berlusconi and Beppe Grillo. The first guy is a serial womanizer and the second guy is a popular comedian. Americans always said that Bill Clinton worked so hard he does the jobs of two men, and now we’ve met them.
Homeland Security warned that budget cuts will reduce the effectiveness of border control. It’s a jump ball. Republicans think effectiveness means fewer illegal aliens while Democrats measure effectiveness by the number of voters registered per linear mile of border.
Ford, Chrysler and GM reported a big gain in car sales in February. They said it’s due to an improving real estate market. Americans who lived in abandoned Fords for the last four years have moved up in the world, and now they are living in abandoned Lincolns.
Cook County Supervisors added an extra one-dollar tax on cigarettes, making cigarettes eleven dollars a pack in Chicago. The world has officially gone mad. Leave it to Democrats to tax cigarettes until they’re so expensive it makes crack cost-effective.
President Obama signed the sequestration cuts into law which cut the rate of future spending by two percent but didn’t cut any current spending at all. It’s an interesting approach to cutting the budget deficit. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating slightly more.
President Obama warned that the automatic budget cuts will result in delayed flights and long lines at airport security. It could affect public safety. The cuts could reduce the TSA inspectors to groping just one breast and one testicle.
The U.S. Navy announced it’ll stop halting drug shipments headed for the U.S. due to the sequestration cuts. The day before, the IRS said it’ll lay off collection agents. They’re going to have to do better than this if they want Americans to agree to higher taxes.
The White House retreated Sunday and said sequester cuts won’t be as bad as they’d warned. How could things be worse? After one day Queen Elizabeth was in the hospital, the pope is out of a job, and America’s only defense against North Korea is Dennis Rodman.
Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez died after a long battle with cancer Tuesday. Under normal protocol a U.S. president would attend the funeral of a South American leader who died in office. However, due to the sequestration cuts, we are flying Dennis Rodman there coach.
Venezuela’s vice president Arturo Maduro accused the CIA of giving cancer to Hugo Chavez after he died. If we did, it was a total accident. For the last half century, Fidel Castro always switched the two beers the waitress would bring to him and his guest.
White House press secretary Jay Carney denied Monday that donors can meet with President Obama for five hundred grand. He said any notion that there is a set price to meet with the president is just wrong. In other words, no reasonable offer will be refused.
Homeland Security officials celebrated the agency’s tenth birthday on Monday. They wound up having a break-even day. They detained a young bearded Arab man who unsuccessfully tried to sneak into the United States and they freed two thousand Mexicans who succeeded.
Kenya’s government called its first election in six years Sunday, prompting President Obama’s half-brother to announce he’s running for office. He was born in Kenya and had never held office before. The half-brother, on the other hand, has some actual experience.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
