From The Comedy Store
Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend three hundred million dollars to buy emergency generators for its two dozen ships. Why didn’t they just get them from the White House? They generate an emergency every time they want get a bill passed.
Boston cops released two photos of the bombing suspects taken from street security cameras. It left everybody happy. The photos were just clear enough so CNN can report them as white, and just shaded enough so Fox News can report them as Iranians.
Carnival Cruise Lines announced it will spend three hundred million dollars to buy emergency generators for its two dozen ships. Why didn’t they just get them from the White House? They generate an emergency every time they want get a bill passed.
President Obama ripped the NRA after his gun control bill died in the U.S. Senate. At least the two sides were clearly drawn here. No one will know which side to take next week when Congress debates a bill that would allow a gun to marry another gun.
President Obama offered to wash U.S. senators’ cars if they will pass the immigration bill. He wasn’t kidding. The position of car washer in the U.S. government pays a hundred eighty grand a year and you only have to do it for two months to qualify for a full pension.
Russia offered the West help in tracking Chechen terrorists after the Boston bombings. It has to be a group effort. Within days the U.S. had tracked down the bombers, Britain beefed up security for the London Marathon, and France surrendered to Chechnya.
The FBI and Boston police completely sealed off the neighborhood where the second bomber fled. They were sure they’d find the college kid. If the FBI and local cops couldn’t find him, they were thinking of bringing out the big dogs, student loan collection agents.
Boston bomber Djhokhar Tsarnaev was discovered in a backyard boat by the owner. The guy’s wife had ordered him to go outside to smoke. It’s the first time since World War II that tobacco companies have been able to credibly argue that smoking saves lives.
The Chicago Cubs announced they will spend five hundred million dollars to renovate Wrigley Field. They haven’t won the World Series in over a century. The upgrades will include a new video scoreboard, enhanced night lighting and relief pitching.
New York ex-congressman Anthony Weiner told a reporter Bill Clinton has been a great source of support and friendship. it’s touching. The sex-scandal disgraced former politician is considering running for mayor of New York, and so is Anthony Weiner.
George W. Bush hosted his father George H.W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama at the dedication of his presidential library at SMU in Dallas Thursday. Imagine the five living president side-by-side together. If they were cards, you would fold.
The AP was hit by a hacker who tweeted under the AP byline that the White House had been bombed. It was obviously a hoax. Under the the new AP stylebook, reporters are not allowed to use the word bomb, they have to say undocumented boom box.
New York raised the minimum age for buying cigarettes to twenty-one at the behest of Mayor Bloomberg. He’s attacked happy hours, baby formula, cigarettes, fast food and big beverages. He’s determined to make New York a healthy, fit and sober place to raise a family, not realizing that it’s against the city’s four-hundred-year-old charter.
A House investigation on Benghazi found Hillary Clinton failed to protect the Libyan consulate from the attack. It also says President Obama lied to cover up the negligence. The siege lasted for seven hours or, as the president calls it, thirty-six holes.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
