The Battle of Gettysburg was fought Sunday by re-enactors dressed in Blue and Gray uniforms and fighting under U.S. and Rebel flags. The U.S. flag is so different today. The fifty stars on Old Glory were recently replaced by fifty eyeballs that follow you everywhere.

Harvard ran a poll which found that Fourth of July celebrations tend to turn children into conservatives. The survey really had to alarm educators. It just takes a fireworks show and a patriotic speech to undo a hundred and eighty days of public school education.

President Obama visited Robben Island in South Africa where Nelson Mandela was once imprisioned. He was a highly original thinker. Nelson Mandela spent twenty-seven years in jail before entering politics, whereas most politicians do it the other way around.

President Obama praised Nelson Mandela in South Africa. Proper decorum was maintained. President Obama refers to Nelson Mandela by his tribal name Madibah, while South Africans call President Obama by his rap star name, Biggie Deficits.

Michelle Obama raised eyebrows at the African First Ladies’ Conference in Tanzania. She said that being First Lady in the White House was like living in a prison. It’s the lamest attempt to be the next Nelson Mandela that we’ve seen in the First family so far.

Tahir Square in Cairo was jammed with millions of protesters as Egypt’s Islamist regime fell to a coup by Egypt’s secular army. World reaction was swift. The United Nations went into emergency session to try to find a way to blame this on the Jews.

WalMart announced it is dropping Paula Deen and ridding their shelves of Paula Deen’s line of cookware. The retailer has decided to end all ties with her. It’s probably because WalMart is afraid she might recruit their slaves to work at her weddings.

Scientist Sergio Canavero devised a spinal fusion and head-attachment surgery that could lead to head transplants. How about Paula Deen switching heads with Al Sharpton? One could eat all he wants and the other could say all she wants and no one gets cancelled.

The New England Patriots halted sales of Aaron Hernandez jerseys after his murder charge. His crimes against the state didn’t stop at homicide. For months he was under investigation by the IRS for being involved in a organization called The Patriots.

President Obama delayed implementation of ObamaCare until after House elections. The program got off to a great start. Andy Griffith demonstrated how much money the program would save by doing TV commercials for it and then dying immediately.

National Geographic raised eyebrows with an online ad for its upcoming film Killing Lincoln. It’s a banner ad that allows you to shoot Abe Lincoln yourself with the mouse cursor. From now on, any Southerner who checks into the emergency room with carpal tunnel syndrome will be entered in the FBI database as a possible threat to the president.

NSA fugitive Ed Snowden was given strict conditions by Vladimir Putin if he wants to be given political asylum in Russia. The NSA whistleblower is desperate for a place to hide where no one will see him. He’s just asked CNN if he can host an hour of prime time.

Denver Airport passengers approved TSA’s pilot passenger screening program using bomb-sniffing dogs. Everyone made it through security in two minutes without removing their shoes or getting a pat-down. United Airlines may even waive its fifteen-dollar molestation fee.

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