From The Comedy Store
President Obama lit the National Christmas Tree in Washington D.C. In many ways the U.S. president has replaced Santa Claus. He knows where you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, he just asks the NSA.
South Africa’s first post-Apartheid president Nelson Mandela died at age ninety-five at his home near Johannesburg. The great man spent twenty-seven years in jail before serving in public office. In America we do it the other way around.
The White House admitted the Obamacare website may fall prey to hackers. Pop-up ads hacked onto the site are plaguing applicants. The new Surgeon General nominee advised enrollees if a pop-up lasts longer than four hours, consult a physician immediately.
President Obama lit the National Christmas Tree in Washington D.C. In many ways the U.S. president has replaced Santa Claus. He knows where you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, he just asks the NSA.
The NFL revealed plans to use facial recognition technology to keep terrorists from entering the Super Bowl. Facial recognition technology is used by Las Vegas casinos to keep out cheaters and thieves. If they used it at the U.S. Capitol they’d never get a quorum.
Joe Biden flew to South Korea for security discussions where the government asked Biden to give a TV speech to the South Korean people. The effect was galvanizing. It is the first time in history that South Koreans were caught trying to sneak into North Korea.
House members asked for an Obamacare enrollment deadline because they can’t log onto the website. They may be in mortal danger. Men’s Health just released a study saying that inactivity will kill you so the floor of the U.S. Congress may soon be covered with bodies.
Congress may defy President Obama and pass a bipartisan bill to sanction Iran after six months. House Democrats are terrified to defy Obama. Anyone who does not vote with the president can expect him to come to their states and campaign for them next year.
The Weather Channel reported record cold temperatures for the month of December. Millions of homeowners have lost power. The freezing victims assumed that the U.S. government has taken over electricity and that OPowerCare was the law of the land.
President Obama eulogized Nelson Mandela at his funeral. He spoke about Mandela’s influence on his life, his goals, his dreams and his career. Six times during his speech Obama held his hand out and smiled, and then he put his iPhone back in his pocket.
The New York Post caught President Obama in three photos flirting with Denmark’s blonde prime minister at Mandela’s memorial. All three pictures show Michelle just boiling mad. Her campaign against obesity was thwarted when her husband made a grab for the Danish.
Kim Jung Un fired his uncle from North Korea’s ruling cabinet, accusing him of faction-building, subversion and drug use and womanizing. They are so different from us. It’s the same four things a U.S. congressman pledges to do when he recites the Oath of Office.
Chrysler announced the sales of Dodge have soared since Will Farrell’s Ron Burgundy began doing their TV ads. He plays a haplessly lovable narcissist in love with his own voice. Blind people wonder why the president’s doing TV ads for Dodge after he bought GM.
HHS’s Kathleen Sebelius was ripped in hearings because so few people have actually bought Obamacare policies. The president’s legacy is safe. Today’s history classes teach that the Battle of the Alamo was nothing more than a dispute between dry-wall contractors.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
