From The Comedy Store
The Post Office raised the price of a first-class stamp to forty-nine cents. They replaced the forty-six-cent Forever stamps. No one’s surprised, because just last year President Obama said if you like your Forever stamps, you can keep your Forever stamps.
The Post Office raised the price of a first-class stamp to forty-nine cents. They replaced the forty-six-cent Forever stamps. No one’s surprised, because just last year President Obama said if you like your Forever stamps, you can keep your Forever stamps.
President Obama signed a bipartisan budget bill which avoids a government shutdown in March. That’s a relief. During the last century there have been seventeen government shutdowns, the longest being the four years that Jimmy Carter was president.
President Obama took a vacation break in Hawaii to sign the bipartisan budget bill passed by Congress into law. It was just more of the same. Earlier that day President Obama played golf and at the end of the round he was nineteen trillion over par.
AT&T announced its It Can Wait campaign has collected four million pledges from young people not to text while driving. The law isn’t working well in Los Angeles. Someone just made a fortune designing an app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Egypt’s deposed President Morsi’s trial resumes in Cairo next week. He issued laws by decree, he ignored the constitution, and he blamed his predecessor for the economy. Most impressive is how it only took Egypt a year to establish an American-style democracy.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s time in office ended after twelve years. He changed the city. Last night New York cops let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi.
NSA fugitive Ed Snowden addressed the West on TV from Moscow Christmas Day. He seemed quite pleased with himself. Ed Snowden looks like the kind of guy who would mail order a Russian bride on the Internet and now he doesn’t have to pay for the shipping.
The White House grew testy over Ed Snowden’s revelations about NSA spying programs in his Christmas Day message to the world. There’s no doubt that the administration is angry about it. Last night President Obama’s bathroom faucet leaked and he threw it in jail.
President Obama signed a defense bill last week which funds U.S. military operations overseas. This bill also gives women total protection from sexual assault in the U.S. armed forces. It’s probably the perfect time for Iran to get an operation and become Irene.
Colorado ski resorts moved to ban smoking legalized pot on the slopes. It’s hurts the entire economy. Uruguay’s government just announced it’ll sell pot to citizens for one dollar a gram and suddenly McDonald’s no longer has the best dollar menu in Uruguay.
Australia sent a ship to rescue a scientific cruise ship stuck in the ice. It was trying to prove that global warming is melting the ice shelf. As a last resort they had Al Gore jump off a helicopter and do a cannonball into the water to free the vessel.
The White House conceded that Obamacare application questions got a little personal. One applicant listed his sexual promiscuity, alcohol abuse and debts he can’t pay. An hour later a delegation showed up at his front door asking him to run for Congress.
A U.S. Court upheld the NSA surveillance program on calls, e-mails and social media. A compromise has been reached. From now on the Fourth Amendment will be recognized from eight in the morning till five in the afternoon, on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
