From The Comedy Store
Dave Letterman announced he will retire from his CBS talk show next year. He’s enjoyed a million laughs and a workplace sex scandal. No one wants to say Dave had a lot of affairs with staffers but he’s agreed to donate the couch in his office to the Clinton Presidential Library.
ABC star Nigella Lawson wasn’t allowed on a flight to L.A. from London by U.S. immigration after she told a divorce court she did coke and pot. Welcome to New America. People coming from Great Britain get a background check while people coming from Mexico get a police escort.
Russia’s Vladimir Putin and his wife of thirty years Lyudmila were granted a divorce in Moscow civil court. The terms of the divorce were generous. The judge split their property split evenly, but of course, Putin can always annex the dining room set later on.
John Kerry warned Tuesday that Vladimir Putin might decide to invade Eastern Ukraine soon. It’s escalating quickly. Obama just threatened that if Russia sends troops into Ukraine, he will enroll Vladimir Putin in Obamacare and allow the next head cold to kill him.
The White House warned Russia of consequences if they invade eastern Ukraine as threatened. There are ways to cripple Russia’s economy. The best idea is to declare Russia a small business and force it to comply with Obamacare, and in six months it will be a thrift shop.
Blue Cross and Blue Shield revealed that twenty percent of Obamacare enrollees haven’t paid their first premium. The exact figure is elusive in the chaos. Unfortunately the government cannot give us the exact number because it’s listed on the Obamacare website.
Dave Letterman announced he will retire from his CBS talk show next year. He’s enjoyed a million laughs and a workplace sex scandal. No one wants to say Dave had a lot of affairs with staffers but he’s agreed to donate the couch in his office to the Clinton Presidential Library.
The India Times reported the number-one concern of India’s nine hundred million voters is public sanitation. They said open sewers are contaminating holy rivers. India produces two hundred thousand tons of human waste per day, second only to the Congressional Record.
Obama held a meeting with Tunisia’s prime minister Mehdi Jomaa in the White House. It was the first meeting. Whenever Obama meets a foreign leader for the very first time it must be fun for him to put a face with the voice he hears in the wiretaps.
Congressman Jim Moran declared he wants Americans to know that members of Congress are underpaid. It’s designed so by law. Members of Congress are limited to a one hundred and seventy-five thousand dollar-a-year salary by the Americans with No Abilities Act.
Pope Francis infuriated Democrats Tuesday declaring that marriage is a union between a man and a woman. It surprised many. The pope issued the ruling a week after he met with Obama at the Vatican and apparently Obama wasn’t able to teach him anything.
Captain America broke April box office records, grossing three hundred million dollars at the box office last week. Other movies had bad luck. In London a showing of Noah had to be canceled due to a flood in the theater. Either that or it’s the best 3-D theater in the world.
Mad Men opens its final season Sunday about New York ad agencies in the Sixties. It was a different world then. The difference between now and fifty years ago is, today you shout at the drug store clerk for some condoms and you whisper if you would like a pack of cigarettes.
Obama discussed with reporters his trip to Japan, South Korea, Malaysia and the Philippines in two weeks Tuesday. His staff had to plan the trip with a protractor. Air Force One could be subject to international re-possession laws if it’s parked too close to China.
© Copyright 2014 Argus Hamilton
