From The Comedy Store
The N.Y. Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall to forty-five dollars a barrel. Fifteen states across the country now have gas prices that have dipped underneath two dollars a gallon. This means that it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquid dinosaur bones than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Congressman Randy Weber of Texas went on Twitter and compared Obama to Hitler for shunning the Paris unity march. That’s unfair. For crying out loud, Hitler started a World War and tried to annihilate an entire group of people, it’s not like he forced us to buy health insurance.
Congressman Weber apologized for comparing Obama to Hitler for neglecting to join the Paris anti-terror march. It’s been smoothed over. The next morning the surviving members of the Hitler family went on TV in Berlin and accepted the congressman’s apology.
The Washington Post poll had great news for the White House showing that Obama’s approval rating shot up twelve points in the last two weeks. The only thing he did during that time was to snub France. Everybody agrees he’s growing into his job as King of the Anglo-Saxons.
John Kerry brought James Taylor with him to his press conference in Paris to sing You’ve Got a Friend to France. Kerry used Seventies music to apologize for blowing off the Paris unity rally. Perhaps he should have brought Dr. Hook and the Medicine Band to sing I Got Stoned and I Missed It.
Obama in his State of the Union speech proposed raising taxes on wealthy Americans and raising taxes on trust funds. It was class warfare disguised as a heartfelt plea. Obama asked Americans to pitch in and help those he says are down on their luck, namely the Lakers and the Knicks.
Bill Clinton made news in an interview Wednesday when he called upon Muslim leaders around the world to join in the battle in combating radical Islam. This could bear fruit. Saudis in particular look up to Bill Clinton because they think he’s the only Westerner who’s allowed to have multiple wives.
Obama in a press conference with Prime Minister David Cameron vowed that the U.S. and Britain will track down the world’s terror leaders, as we have in the past. It took a trillion dollars, two wars and state-of-the-art technology, but we finally found Osama bin Laden. He was in his house.
The FBI arrested Christopher Lee Cornell of Cincinnati for buying weapons with intent to walk into the U.S. Capitol and open fire. The kid identified himself as an ISIS recruit. He had converted to Islam six months ago, then gave himself an Arab name, so he could go in and out of the U.S. more easily.
The N.Y. Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall to forty-five dollars a barrel. Fifteen states across the country now have gas prices that have dipped underneath two dollars a gallon. This means that it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquid dinosaur bones than a cup of coffee at Starbucks.
Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper set January box office records last weekend earning over one hundred million in ticket sales. Its success angered the anti-war crowd. Michael Moore tweeted that snipers are cowards and now nobody in Hollywood will walk outside the building with him.
The Secret Service is investigating a shooting outside Joe Biden’s house in Delaware after several shots were fired by a passing motorist in the direction of his home. Danger follows the vice president everywhere. Last week Joe Biden lost his train of thought and there were no survivors.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell came under renewed calls to clamp down on player conduct Thursday as the post-season player arrest tally began. This week an NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun charges. This news is shocking to anyone who knows nothing about the NFL or Florida.
CBS suspended NBA analyst Greg Anthony Friday after he was arrested by cops in Washington D.C. for soliciting a prostitute from his phone at Embassy Suites. It’s a sin widely practiced in the nation’s capital. If you promise a congressman a hefty donation, he’ll come straight to your hotel room.
© Copyright 2015 Argus Hamilton
