Say what you will about Donald Trump, and God knows I’ve said plenty, he is a political phenomenon. When he tossed his hair in the ring nine or ten months ago, there were very few people who thought that of the 8,347 Republican contenders, he would be one of the final three in the hunt and certainly not be the one leading the pack.

I understand the attraction. Whereas some of us regard him as boorish and arrogant, and about as conservative as the typical New York or Hollywood wheeler-dealer, others happily overlook his shortcomings because he’s rich, been married to a number of European knock-outs and doesn’t mince his words. Even though he seems unable to sound presidential, no matter how hard he occasionally tries, after 28 years of Bush, Clinton, Bush and Obama, it’s something of a relief to hear someone who doesn’t sound presidential, which has become synonymous with boring and insipid, with a reliance on platitudes that verges on addiction.

But I also believe that Trump resembles radio’s “Shadow,” the phantom who had “the power to cloud men’s minds.” Trump is like an empty vessel that people can fill with whatever they happen to like. So if they prefer a political outsider, they see him as the answer to their prayers, even though he has hobnobbed with politicians his entire life and financially supported most of those he now claims to despise.

If they have conservative leanings, Trump promises to be the guy who will make America great again, suggesting a return to Ronald Reagan. He promises to bring back jobs from foreign countries, but is vague about how he’ll pull it off. He invariably points to one of his books for inspiration, but he has always negotiated with people who shared his interest in making a deal. That’s quite different from dealing with nations who are far more interested in keeping the jobs right where they are.

If people are either liberal or disinterested in social issues, Trump promises to be their guy. He supports Planned Parenthood and is upset that South Carolina passed a law that says that people will use bathrooms that coincide with their genitalia, not their mood at the moment.

His biggest supporters, I suspect, are those who go through life whining about their set-backs, blaming others, be it society or the RNC. The way he whines about losing a handful of delegates in Colorado or Wyoming, Trump sounds like every other self-proclaimed victim in America. But judging by the way that his supporters parrot his gripes, it would appear that “Bad Sports” constitute a voting bloc these days.

What Trump and his Geek Chorus never mention is how unfair the system is when he wins just 60% of the vote in New York state, but walks away with 95% of the delegates.

It’s also fascinating that Trump is always referring to polls when he sits atop them, but ignores those that show him being shellacked by both Mrs. Clinton and Sen. Sanders.

As I see it, Trump can’t win because women, minorities and Cruz supporters won’t vote for him. Cruz can’t win because RINOs, Independents and Trump’s supporters won’t vote for him. Kasich can’t win because he’ll go to Cleveland with only one state primary in his win column and because he’s the world’s biggest wienie. Bernie Sanders can’t win because he’s an old Jewish commie, and Mrs. Clinton can’t win because she will either be indicted, tried and go to Leavenworth or she’ll be pardoned by Barack Obama. Even Democrats aren’t about to elect someone who belongs in the pen and who would be behind bars, except for friends in high places.

That is why I am belatedly announcing my candidacy. I understand it would entail moving to Washington, associating with politicians and wearing long pants, but this is our nation’s future we’re talking about!

In my favor, I am beholden to no special interests. So far as I know, I’ve never even spoken to a lobbyist and I’ve never set foot on Wall Street, let alone be paid $250,000 to give one of my delightful speeches. Best of all, in my case the presidential salary would definitely not constitute a pay cut.

Speaking of money, Obama has just granted $270,000 to an Islamic charity that has been accused of funneling funds to Hamas and Hezbollah. Like a great many such “charities,” it is a front group for terrorism. It’s called Islamic Relief Worldwide, but what the world really needs is relief from Islam.

Once again, we are hearing of crusades being launched all over the nation to do away with team nicknames referencing Native Americans and the mascots that accompany them. It’s all because of a handful of activists who, if they didn’t have this dead horse to keep kicking around, would apparently have no other purpose in life.

Frankly, it’s beyond me why anyone would object to a team being called the Indians, the Braves or even the Redskins. But I suppose if anyone feels the need to pander to these morons, we could oblige them by using historically accurate names like Savages, Scalpers and Cannibals. Any objection to my plan based on the fact that they weren’t all bad is countered by the fact they also weren’t all brave.

Indians do have this image of being lovers of nature and responsible custodians of the earth, but it is also true that they often stampeded herds of buffalo off the edge of cliffs and would then go below to salvage what they could of meat and hide simply because it was easier and safer than hunting with bow and arrow.

As far as nobility went, the white devils had Shakespeare, Milton, Bach and Rembrandt, when the so-called native Americans, who lacked a written language, were running around in loin cloths, painting their faces and dining on the internal organs of their enemies.

With tax season just behind us, it is worth noting that Americans spend more money on taxes than on food, clothing and shelter. Whenever I suggest that instead of complaining, like Bernie Sanders, that rich people don’t pay their fair share of taxes, something should be done about the 45% of Americans who don’t pay a dime in income tax, some pointy-headed liberal is sure to announce that those people are hit with property, sales and state taxes. When I then patiently explain that we who pay income taxes are also hit with all these other forms of financial coercion, they either go silent or call me a racist, a fascist or a Republican.

Whenever you hear a leftist trashing capitalism, keep in mind that when the multimillionaire socialist Michael Moore was asked what he would replace capitalism with, replied “We’ll come up with something.”

Although I hate to put any more awful ideas in the heads of liberal politicians in Washington or Sacramento, I thought it was worth warning my fellow conservatives that as bad as things are now they could be worse. During the reign of Emperor Vespasian (68-79 A.D.), urine was a popular commodity. Because of its high ammonia content, it was prized for its use in removing grease and dirt from clothes and stains from teeth. If Roman senators found a way to tax urine, can our own be far behind?

It recently occurred to me that as lukewarm as I was about George H.W. Bush, at least when he took us to war, he employed “Shock and Awe.” As Commander-in chief, Barack Obama takes bows when he doles out an additional 20 or 30 advisors at a time in the fight against ISIS. As a military strategy, it can best be described as “Aw, shucks.”

When a reader happened to mention that someone or other could never be brought to justice because of the protection provided by the 5th Amendment, I pointed out that in present-day America, the protection against double jeopardy is meaningless because the federal government can always step in and, by contending that the victim was denied his civil rights, put the accused on trial a second time.

This isn’t merely theory. It’s what happened when the four L.A. cops were tried for beating up Rodney King and acquitted by a jury of their peers in Simi Valley. Even the feds knew that Mr. King was a 300-pound thug high on PCP and resisting arrest after a 100 mph chase, but they didn’t care. All that mattered was that it was a high profile case involving a black man. If he’d been a white jerk-off, chances are it wouldn’t have gone to trial in the first place.

A similar case of racial bias was at work when O.J. Simpson’s murder trial, which rightfully should have been held in West L.A., had its venue moved downtown to ensure that a predominantly black jury could ignore the evidence and employ jury nullification to spring him.

I’ll leave the last word to Josh Billings, a 19th century rustic humorist, a forerunner to the legendary Will Rogers. In 15 words, he summed up the current state of political life in America: “As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.”

And never more so than during primary season.