Burt Prelutsky / March 13, 2017

The Kremlin Connection

If you spend too much time listening to Democrats and their fake news comrades at the NY Times, CNN, MSNBC and the Washington Post, you’d think Russia was on the verge of invading us. And when I say “too much time,” I mean any time at all.

If you spend too much time listening to Democrats and their fake news comrades at the NY Times, CNN, MSNBC and the Washington Post, you’d think Russia was on the verge of invading us. And when I say “too much time,” I mean any time at all.

I’m not suggesting that Vladimir Putin is a pussy cat. Far from it. He’s just as evil as he was when George W. Bush said he looked into his eyes and actually spotted his soul, and he’s certainly no better today than when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton rolled over and begged Vlad the Impaler to rub their bellies.

Putin is an evil s.o.b. But he’s always been one. Yet nobody who today is carrying on as if the sky is falling held Obama and Clinton accountable when they merely stood by while Putin gobbled up Crimea, attacked Ukraine and wormed his way into Syria.

It’s only now, when the Left is trying to bring down Donald Trump, that Putin is being depicted as America’s single greatest threat. Well, I don’t buy it. This is a world in which Obama made our nation the second biggest sponsor of Islamic terrorism by funneling billions of dollars to Iran and providing the Ayatollah with a pathway to a nuclear arsenal; China is expanding its military might into the South China Sea; and North Korea is threatening its neighbors and our allies with nuclear missiles.

Compared to all that, if Donald Trump or any of his cabinet secretaries ever had a conversation with someone carting around a name like Prelutsky, I regard it as much ado about nothing.

We all know that the pollsters were all wet when it came to forecasting Trump’s victory, but I’m beginning to think they’re all terminally dysfunctional. I mean, with the costs of ObamaCare soaring and a record number of insurance companies jumping ship, we are being asked to believe that 54% of Americans are now singing the praises of the Affordable Care Act.

If I were running a polling operation and I was presented with a number that absurd, I would send the folks with the clipboards out again and tell them that this time they had to canvass real people and not invent data while sipping lattes at a Starbuck’s.

Talking about goldbricks, I’m reminded that during the first 57 days of 2017, Congress was in session for only 35 days. In March, they’re already planning to have a half-week session and to convene for only 10 days in April. Is it any wonder what when Republican politicians are asked when they intend to turn Trump’s proposals into law, they sometimes speak wistfully of perhaps moving things along in 2018?

Maybe it’s just me, but I have always wondered how it was that Mother Teresa came to be regarded as the sort of person that few of us could even aspire to be. So far as I could tell, she got a great deal of publicity for washing the feet of poor people and lepers. Okay, I admit I wouldn’t care to do it. But if you’re one of the world’s poorest of the poor, and might even have leprosy, dirty feet would strike me as the least of your problems.

Besides, ordinary nurses carry out duties far worse than that every work day of their lives, and nobody puts their names up for sainthood. And isn’t it just possible that Mother Teresa was merely working out her guilt over something pretty awful she may have done as a Calcutta teenager named Anjeze Gonxhe Bojaxhiu?

Speaking of good works, there are sometimes unintended consequences when it comes to acknowledging them.

For instance, I once had an actor friend whose wife got a piece of meat stuck in her throat. She barely had a chance to cough it up before a woman in the restaurant rushed over and applied the Heimlich maneuver. Up popped a chunk of beef, and all was well.

The problem is that the guy’s wife was so grateful, she all but adopted the middle-aged woman. Apparently, the woman was not married and didn’t have children. For years afterward, the Hollywood couple hardly went anywhere or did anything without this fifth wheel tagging along. It might have been okay, except that the woman had no discernible personality. They might as well have been lugging around a large sack of potatoes.

Eventually, my friend and his wife got divorced. The wife got custody of the sack. I never asked my friend why they got divorced after 12 years, but I certainly had my suspicions.

Whenever I encounter a typical teenager, I find myself wondering why they exist. Nearly without exception, be they male or female, they’re rude, smelly, drama queens. I’ve concluded that they’re God’s way of testing their parents’ commitment to one another, and make them question 14 or 15 years after the fact whether the sex was really worth it.

Along similar lines, I have decided that “organic” is a word invented by the advertising mavens on Madison Avenue so that farmers would have a way to unload stunted, tasteless fruits and vegetables, while providing grocers with a way to over-charge their most impressionable (gullible) customers.

A reader wrote asking if I agreed that eliminating career politicians by way of term limits would be a huge step toward draining the swamp.

Although I hate disappointing anyone, I had to admit I don’t support term limits. I never have and I never will.

I replied: “I think if the voters want to continue to vote for someone, they should be able to do so. We have term limits here in California, but all it means is that when someone is termed out as an assemblyman, he runs for the state senate or Congress. Besides, if a district is, say, liberal, they will simply replace one dummy with another.

"Out here, Henry Waxman and Barbara Boxer both retired over the past few years, and were immediately replaced by younger and perhaps even stupider versions of themselves. Let’s face it, if the entire Congressional Black Caucus resigned today, by tomorrow the black voters would have replaced them with more of the same.

"I say it’s not the politicians who need term limits; it’s the voters!”

The same guy, Steve of Doylestown, who tested my ability to spot punchlines long before they arrive with the joke about the Jewish guy who became a Catholic when offered $1,000 to do so, was back again, and once again he made me eat my words with the following:

“Grandmother Golda was tending to her grandson Elliot one day at Coney Island when a giant wave swept the 10-year-old out into the Atlantic Ocean. The lifeguard immediately leapt into action and braved the currents to rescue the boy.

"With his last ounce of strength, he managed to bring the child to shore. After a few minutes of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, the boy coughed out the sea water, turned his head and gasped, "Grandma!”

With tears of gratitude in her eyes, the old woman turned to the lifeguard and said: “He had a hat.”

I know that some people claim to be offended by stereotypes, but I contend that neither of Steve’s jokes work unless the protagonists are Jewish. And any of my fellow Jews who claims to be offended merely confirms yet another stereotype.

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