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Burt Prelutsky / Feb. 15, 2010

My State of the Union Address

Although I much prefer pointing out the shortcomings of others, honestly compels me to confess my own. In my case, my mortal sin is envy.

As I sat home watching Barack Obama deliver the latest of the 6,897 speeches he’s given since assuming the presidency, and trying to figure out if Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi had made a friendly wager as to which of them could stand up the most times in 90 minutes, I realized that I wish that people would respond like trained seals for me the way they do for whomever happens to be the commander-in-chief.

Even though I like to imagine that my readers are laughing, nodding in agreement and applauding on cue, I realize it’s at best only a boyish pipedream. Still, I was raised to believe that in America, anything is possible.

With that in mind, let us continue.

Recently, I learned that in California schools, they use history textbooks that devote 55 pages to the glories of Islam, roughly one page to Christianity and a single line to Judaism. What’s more, there are days set aside during the semester when the children are expected to show up dressed as Muslims. I believe that, for extra credit, the kids are encouraged to perform honor killings. (laughter and applause)

When President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize, he said that he was planning to donate the 1.4 million dollars to a charity to be named later. So far as I’m aware, he still hasn’t named the lucky charity. Which may be the reason that rumors are going around that the recipient of his largesse is the Society to Enhance Michelle’s Wardrobe and Spare Her Having to Wear Oprah’s Hand-Me-Downs Foundation. (general laughter)

Liberals, who never had a kind word to say about Dwight Eisenhower, the man who twice saved us from having Adlai Stevenson in the White House, never weary of repeating his dire warning about the military-industrial complex. I always found it peculiar that Ike decided to make that remark as he was leaving the White House in 1961. Funny how differently General Eisenhower felt about that particular complex when he was waging war against the Nazis two decades earlier! (applause)

During the State of the Union speech, it was pretty obvious from their stern looks how the Chiefs of Staff felt about Obama’s promise to do away with their don’t ask/don’t tell policy, but harder to read the nine Supreme Court justices when he told the world how he felt about their reversal of the clearly unconstitutional McCain-Feingold bill. There are few things more entertaining than watching a guy who received upwards of a hundred million dollars in campaign contributions from left-wing union bosses announcing how terrible it would be for corporations to taint the election process by giving equal amounts to conservative candidates. This, by the way, is the same political hack who first said he would accept public funding of his presidential campaign, but then changed his mind once he discovered how deep he could dive into the pockets of George Soros, the SEIU, ACORN, the UAW, defense attorneys and Hollywood airheads. (applause and occasional shouts of “Hear! Hear!”)

Speaking of paying for political favors, inquiring minds want to know if Ben Nelson and Mary Landrieu have to return their bribes now that ObamaCare has been given the big thumbs down by one of Obama’s very own death panels. (laughter and applause)

The other day, while thinking about the fact that things such as the Copenhagen global-warming fiasco; the East Anglia Climategate scandal; Obama’s absolute lack of transparency; his packing his administration with lobbyists and tax cheats; the lock-outs of Republicans by Pelosi and Reid from the legislative process; the trashing of the Tea Party participants by the Democrats; and the insistence by Obama that conservatives sit down and shut up; are either ignored or sanctioned by the mass media, I found myself wondering what actually takes place at an editorial board meeting at the New York Times and the Washington Post. Do these left-wing elitists really, as I suspect, just sit around and ask one another which major news stories they won’t cover in tomorrow’s edition? (laughter and applause)

Finally, Ben Bernanke and Tim Geithner are obviously babes in the woods when it comes to the world of high finance. As our national deficit soars in the general direction of Jupiter, I have come up with the obvious solution. I suggest we borrow every last dollar we can squeeze out of the Chinese. Then, when they finally refuse to lend us another red cent, we go to court and declare bankruptcy. (laughter)

I say, screw China! (laughter)

And God bless America! (standing ovation)

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