BP’s Tony Hayward left for Russia to drill in Siberia after Barack Obama got him sacked as CEO. It’s part of his post-racial presidency. For every African-American he fires from the Agriculture Department he sends one Anglo-Saxon to Siberia.

Donald Trump predicted that U.S. investors would move to other countries if the Bush tax cuts are allowed to expire in January by the Obama administration. This explains the exodus of illegal immigrants from Arizona this week. Even people who don’t pay taxes aren’t going to stick around once the Bush tax cuts expire.

The Treasury Department undertook a study of the financial reform bill just passed. No one knows what it contains. Congress struck a secret deal behind closed doors to prevent Wall Streeters from striking secret deals behind closed doors.

Russia’s health ministry warned that alcohol and smoking were causing Russia’s population to plummet. A TV news report showed men swimming in the Moscow River holding a drink and smoking a cigarette. It’s an event they call the triathlon.

Southern California broke out in brushfires when Santa Ana winds blew into Los Angeles and ignited dry brush. The winds came from Arizona. It was the breeze from all the illegal immigrants making a U-turn the moment the Arizona law was stayed.

Arizona hotels and resorts were reported doing booming business this summer. The boycotts failed. Pollsters were astounded to learn that hotel guests would rather make their own beds than give illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship.

President Obama was in New York to tape The View and welcome back Barbara Walters to the show. She rushed back from surgery to be there. Barbara is sick of aspiring talk show hosts sneaking into the studio to audition for her job.

The Coast Guard said the oil spill is vanishing in the Gulf of Mexico because ocean microbes ate up oil faster than the oil well could spill it. The microbes cleaned up the problem. Think of the debt we could have avoided two years ago if George W. Bush had only thought of throwing subprime mortgages into the Gulf of Mexico.

NASA sighted an asteroid headed for Earth in a hundred and sixty-two years. Do the math. This means in one hundred years kids can stop worrying that Social Security won’t be there for them and start worrying that they won’t be there for Social Security.

Cape Cod beachgoers were frightened out of the ocean by Great White sharks who appeared offshore. The beach completely emptied. Everyone swam out into the ocean and painted BP’s logo on the sharks to get their share of the compensation fund.

The Arizona Diamondbacks game at CitiField in New York stopped when two men ran onto the field waving a Mexican flag. Cops did nothing. It’s considered racial profiling in New York to arrest anyone carrying a Mexican flag unless he looks Muslim.

The Texas Rangers will be sold at auction in Dallas where the bidders include Fox News. This would cause big changes at the stadium. Players will have to run the bases backwards because if you turn left on Fox they’ll trade you to MSNBC.

The Financial Times said London’s U.S. Embassy was backed up until February with requests by U.S. citizens wanting to become British subjects. People who pay taxes are leaving the U.S. while people who get government checks are coming in. A year from now it’ll be a crime to leave the U.S. and you’ll need a homemade raft to get to London.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].