Right Opinion

Bye-Bye Suleimani

Burt Prelutsky · Jan. 13, 2020

I was delighted to hear that Qassim Suleimani had been dispatched to wherever Islamic terrorists go, perhaps back to Tehran for all eternity. You have your idea of Hell, I have mine.

Some Democrats have complained that Trump has drawn us closer to war with Iran, some others whined about collateral damage, shedding crocodile tears over the deaths of a few innocent people in the vicinity.

First off, if war comes, it will be Iran’s fault. You can’t keep threatening to attack the U.S. in the mistaken belief that your bluff will never be taken seriously, especially when President Trump is surrounded by advisors who have been calling for an end to proxy wars and thirst for an actual war with the mullahs.

Of course, General Suleimani was just asking for it by showing up in Iraq. Clearly, he had gone there to oversee the Quds attack on our embassy. He went, he saw, he was conquered.

As for collateral damage, no good guys were ever in the vicinity of the man who was responsible for killing at least 600 American G.I.‘s. In fact, I find it extremely difficult to regard anyone outside of Israel’s borders in the Middle East innocent. It is one huge sand pit filled with Arabs, Muslims, hissing lizards and spitting camels.

While I found it very satisfying to hear that what passes for a military genius in Iran is dead, I would have been equally gleeful if I heard a rumor that those technologically-advanced Israelis had come up with an undetectable way to give the 80 year old Ali Khamenei a long over-due heart attack.

The Democrats are finding themselves in a bind. For one thing, the party of identity politics, is now down to five contenders: Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar, all of them white, the last time I looked. But of course there’s nothing to stop Elizabeth Warren, formerly Cherokee, from claiming to be black. After all, these days, men can identify themselves as women, women can call themselves men and Socialists can claim to be sane.

Julián Castro was the last hope of those who think pigmentation is the most important distinction to be found among people. He bowed out for lack of money, removing the last vestige of color from the primary campaign. In his farewell address, Castro concluded with a few words in Spanish, a language he doesn’t actually speak any better than I do. Hasta la vista, Julián, you big phony.

Julianne Williamson, the New Age guru, showing she’s no quitter, let her entire campaign staff go, but plans to remain in the primary race. I’m not sure how that’s going to work. But if you happen to be driving in Iowa and you spot a 67 year old woman hitchhiking while carrying a bag of crystals, you might want to stop and give her a lift. She could probably regale you with stories about her former lives or at least tell you if Bernie Sanders’ breath is as bad as I suspect it is.

There has been a major shift in Joe Biden’s campaign. No longer is his bus called the No Malarkey Tour. It has been rechristened the Battle for the Soul of America. Not only is it not as catchy as Make America Great Again or the revised Keep America Great, but it suggests that Biden no longer views himself as a hack politician, but as a cheesy TV evangelist.

Grafton Thomas, the schmuck who attacked a rabbi and his Chanukah guests with a machete, had been arrested seven other times for violent crimes and yet he was still walking around loose. It proves once again that we need more prisons and insane asylums and fewer politicians who choose to signal their own moral superiority by favoring felons over law-abiding citizens.

I have no doubt that Thomas’s lawyers will argue that their client is not guilty by reason of insanity, which is a defense I have never understood.

The argument seems to be that it’s not fair to punish a person to the full extent of the law when he isn’t able to assist in his own defense. So what? Who cares? I can’t assist in my own operation, but so long as there’s a surgeon available, I’m happy to sleep through it.

I figure if the killer, rapist or pedophile, didn’t need anyone’s help to commit the crime, he should be held responsible for his actions.

Back when capital punishment wasn’t as rare as unicorns, I even heard how uncivilized it was to execute someone who didn’t grasp the situation. It seemed to me that it was far better to not know one’s fate in that situation. You could tell the murderer you were taking him to Disneyland and then fry his ass even before he quit smiling.

Speaking of legal matters, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren, three pinheads who will actually be returning to the Senate, which tells you all you need to know about the voters in Vermont, California and Massachusetts, have all come out in opposition to bail. They would all prefer that those strongly suspected of felonies be released on their own recognizance. The better to intimidate potential witnesses, no doubt.

As Bernie Sanders put it, “They’re in jail because they’re poor.”

No, you old Commie buffoon, they’re in jail because they broke the law and weren’t lucky enough to have been elected to public office.

Joe Biden, who’s not about to let the other old white guy pull ahead in the stupidity derby, offered his solution to those miners who will be unemployed if he’s elected president and shuts down the coal industry: “They should just learn to code.”

That’s code, as in develop code for the computer industry.

“Right, there’s nothing to it. I could learn to do it myself except I’m already planning to learn to fly a 747 airliner next week and audition the following week for the lead in the New York Met’s production of "Rigoletto.”

It confounds me that the Democrats are so insistent that Barack Obama never spied on the Trump campaign. After all, we all knew he had already spied on Fox reporter James Rosen, his parents and the offices of the Associated Press. Why would anyone doubt for a second that he would do everything in his power to sabotage the man who, if elected, swore to dismantle Obama’s legacy, item by toxic item?

Now it’s 73 year old Linda Ronstadt’s turn to prove that even if it’s long past her shelf life, she is still cool, rad and with it. And how better to establish her grooviness than by calling President Trump another Hitler?

In the good old days, over-the-hill celebrities like Rose McGowan, Ashley Judd, Susan Strasberg and Ms. Ronstadt, would collaborate with a ghostwriter to churn out tell-all books bragging about all the famous men they’d had sex with back in their heyday. Now, they settle for calling the president dirty names.

How I long for those golden days of yore.

At the very least, I would have hoped that Linda Ronstadt would confess at this last date that there was one famous guy she hadn’t had sex with. Would it have killed her to admit that her over-hyped trip to Africa with Jerry Brown was to provide cover for the politically-ambitious first-term governor of California? It was, as every political insider knew, solely intended to scotch the rumors that Brown, a 41-year-old bachelor, was homosexual. Needless to say, it worked.

Although he never made it to the White House, he served three more terms, making himself both the youngest and the oldest governor in the state’s history, partly thanks to the very obliging Ms. Ronstadt.

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