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Burt Prelutsky / Jun. 27, 2020

Juggling Chainsaws

These days, trying to keep up with the news is nearly as difficult as those juggling acts where the guy, having decided that keeping three or four balls in the air is no big deal, adds knives, bowling balls and activated chainsaws.

These days, trying to keep up with the news is nearly as difficult as those juggling acts where the guy, having decided that keeping three or four balls in the air is no big deal, adds knives, bowling balls and activated chainsaws.

Wherever you look, there is more bad news. I mean, after suffering through a lockdown that threw millions of people out of work, padlocked small businesses, mugged the nation’s economy and sent suicide and domestic violence stats soaring, did we really need to have the bums in the Black Lives Matter mob given carte blanche by scores of governors and mayors to burn and loot to their hearts’ content?

In the midst of all this choreographed madness, we hear that Iran is on the verge of possessing a nuclear bomb and China, not content to unleash a virus on the world, is still hacking into our computers and financing major espionage activity in our universities and various research facilities.

Just recently, it was announced that 54 scientists have been fired as a result of the National Institute of Health (NIH) discovering they had neglected to mention on their grant proposals that they were being paid by a foreign government. In nearly all the cases, that government was China, and the recipients of their largesse were Chinese men in their 50s who were not only spying on China’s behalf but were recruiting young and susceptible college students to serve their masters back in Beijing.

Now that the NIH has begun winnowing out those in academia whose allegiance is to Communist China, the voters of Kentucky might consider dumping Mitch McConnell.

Thanks to being married to Elaine Chao, who is the Secretary of Transportation and the daughter of James Si-Cheng Chao, who happens to be a Chinese shipping magnate who has profited enormously from his close ties to Xi Jinping, the McConnells are wallowing in Chinese cash.

I’m sure that Mr. Chao loves his daughter and likes his son-in-law, but I’m also willing to wager that it doesn’t hurt those relationships that Mitch is the majority leader of the Senate and that his daughter, in her Cabinet position, has been a great help when it comes to granting shipping licenses and cutting through bureaucratic red tape.

I didn’t think it was fair in the 1960s when women piggybacked on the Civil Rights Act that was specifically passed to correct past offenses to black people, pretending that they, too, were an oppressed minority, in spite of the fact they’d had the vote for nearly half a century and happened to constitute the majority in America.

These days, I take exception to transgenders being lumped with homosexuals and lesbians in the latest decision by the Supreme Court.

Although I don’t think that it’s right to deny jobs to gays because of their sexual proclivities alone, I would not hire a transgender. Who the heck wants to be waited on by someone who looks like a man and sounds like a man but insists he’s a woman and can sue me if I refer to him as a “him” and not as a “her”?

The vote on the Court was 6-3 against common sense. It was no surprise that John Roberts joined the four left-wing screwballs. The disappointment was that he was joined for some reason by Neil Gorsuch. Perhaps he hasn’t been practicing social distancing when it comes to Chief Justice Roberts.

The only comfort I could take from the Rasmussen poll that showed that 63% of Americans have a favorable impression of Black Live Matter is that other polls have shown Joe Biden leading Donald Trump by anywhere between 7 and 12 points. It makes it so much easier to ignore all polls when one of them is that wacky.

In Fort Worth, Texas, one of the few large cities with a Republican mayor, the BLM hoodlums bombarded the cops with rocks and bottles of bleach, sending three to the hospital, before getting on with their burning and looting.

A few days later, Police Chief Ed Kraus announced that he was dropping all charges against the black thugs. He insisted that the real criminals weren’t the members of the marauding mob, but his own police officers.

Frankly, I had no idea that in Fort Worth or anywhere else, such decisions were left to the whim of a police chief. I actually thought that district attorneys made those calls. But perhaps in Fort Worth, the D.A. owes his job, as do so many others, to the financial support of George Soros, and is therefore in sync with Chief Kraus, who would be well-advised to seek vocational guidance.

No sooner did I memorize that the illegal enclave in downtown Seattle is called the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ) than the stoopnagels changed it to the Capital Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP). As if I’m not busy enough, these morons have to pile on extra work.

I’m reminded that when my wife and I moved out to the San Fernando Valley. The oldest community out here was Sepulveda. But it had become known less for its age than for the fact that it was home to a great many drug dealers.

As a result, the realtors and middle-class homeowners decided to change the name of their portion of the community. By the time we moved in, the upstanding citizens were all for changing it to North Hills, but the hoodlum element said they would change the entire area to North Hills and said they would keep doing it no matter how many name changes were required.

At the time, I proposed we have a contest to rename it with an eye to keeping property values as high as possible.

I recall a few I came up with were North Beverly Hills, Upper Bel Air and Denial Valley, but both factions finally settled on North Hills. There’s not as much drug trade as there was 20 years ago, but there are a lot more bums sleeping on the streets, so we haven’t entirely lost our Sepulveda aura. It might be time for another name change.

Kurt Burnett sent me a meme that pictured an angry Joe Biden jabbing his finger at someone and saying: “Dementia, my ass! I’ve always been this dumb!”

After chuckling, I realized that if Biden would actually say something along these lines, it could actually boost his campaign. It would be like when Ronald Reagan, 73 years old in 1984, turned the tables on Walter Mondale, 56, during a presidential debate, saying he wouldn’t make an issue of his opponent’s youth and lack of experience.

It was probably the cleverest bit of political jujitsu in American history, turning a minus into a plus.

With Biden, even his supporters know that his brain, which was never first-rate, now closely resembles a chunk of Swiss cheese. Instead of denying the obvious, he would probably do well to admit it, suggesting he at least has a sense of humor about his decay. It just might resonate with people of a certain age who make nearly as much noise getting out of a chair as a flamenco dancer makes while trying to pound his or her way through a wooden floor.

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