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Burt Prelutsky / Aug. 17, 2020

The Invisible Man

This is a very odd presidential election. We have one candidate who is hunkered down and one who has to wear a mask in public. But at least we know who Donald Trump is and what he stands for. He has had four years in which to tell us and show us.

This is a very odd presidential election. We have one candidate who is hunkered down and one who has to wear a mask in public. But at least we know who Donald Trump is and what he stands for. He has had four years in which to tell us and show us.

But who or what is Joe Biden? He used to be a senator whose major accomplishment was to ensure that credit card companies would be able to keep charging usurious rates of interest that had the Mafia green with envy.

As Obama’s V.P. for eight years, Biden bullied Ukraine to fire a prosecutor who was looking into the energy company that was paying Hunter Biden $83,000 a month. Other than that, what most people remember best was his leaning in to whisper in Obama’s ear that the Affordable Care Act was “a big f—ing deal!”

Now that he has pried his lips loose from Obama’s fanny, he is busily sucking up to the likes of Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and mouthing the talking points they provide him.

What is particularly weird about his campaign is that, in the past, candidates ran to the extreme left or right in the primaries trying to set themselves up as the most partisan of the partisans. But once they got to the general election, in their quest to get crossover votes, they tended to move to the middle. But that’s not happening with Biden. Clearly, he is so terrified of losing the fringe dwellers that he is trying to hype up some enthusiasm for his candidacy by repeating any idiotic statement provided him by the lunatics on the far, far left.

A few things worth keeping in mind as we approach November 3rd is that Biden isn’t just a goofy but loveable uncle. He is one sick puppy.

For openers, he has been listed as a criminal suspect in a Ukrainian court for his getting that prosecutor fired, using a billion dollar loan guaranteed by the U.S. Congress as leverage. It didn’t help his case that he was then seen on a video bragging to a group of morons: “Son of a bitch, an hour later they fired the guy!” The morons, like a troupe of trained seals, applauded.

This is also the freak who made it a regular practice not only to sniff the hair and fondle 11-year-old girls, but who skinny-dipped in the White House pool in front of female Secret Service agents who had been assigned to his security detail.

And by all accounts, they weren’t any happier about it than those 11-year-olds.

Can you imagine if Donald Trump ever told a voter: “Hey, man, if you don’t vote for me, you ain’t white”? No, neither can I.


If I began by saying that a Jew, a Mexican and an Irishman, walked into a bar, you’d expect a joke. But there were the three of us eating at an outdoor patio and discovering that we had all been Democrats in the past.

It turned out that we had all converted because we discovered that the values on the Left did not suit us. It meant parting ways in many cases from previous friends and even relatives. Those on the Left would say we are intolerant and that is why they can’t be friends with us. But that’s a lie. It’s true that it’s difficult to have a civil conversation with Liberals, but that’s because they insist on shutting down and simply assuming you’re both wrong and evil. I have tried on several occasions to discuss (argue) issues, but they never engage.

What’s more, I have heard from a lot of Conservatives that their left-wing offspring won’t even allow them to spend time with their grandchildren. I haven’t heard of a single case where Conservatives have disowned their Liberal kids or grandkids.

When I used to play tennis with some guys on weekends, the youngest of whom was a fellow Jew and the only Liberal in the group. One day, he started voicing the usual insults about Fox News. I asked him if he had ever watched the network. He confessed he hadn’t. I asked him if he’d just watch Bret Baier’s show for a week. He would see, I told him, that the news was reported fairly and that his panels were always balanced between Liberals and Conservatives.

The following Saturday, I asked him what he thought. He admitted he hadn’t tuned in even once. But I am convinced that he continued berating Fox as the propaganda arm of the GOP.


Hollywood is such an incestuous snake pit that I’ve always thought it would be wise if every casting director had someone on staff whose sole responsibility it would be to keep track of divorces, affairs and break-ups, so the casting director didn’t make the mistake of casting two people who’d like to see the other party dead.


One of the downsides of the virus shutdown that tends to be overlooked is gluttony.

By now, we all know about the health risks of breathing into masks and we’re surely aware of the surge in domestic violence, depression, excessive drinking and even suicide, brought on by job loss and extended isolation.

But with all the empty hours that used to be filled up with work, school, play, vacations, fishing, hunting, going to concerts and movies and restaurants, people now spend the time eating.

And along with the extra feedings come obesity and all the ills including diabetes, heart disease and various forms of cancer, that go with it.

It’s also worth noting that Gluttony is #2, just behind Lust, on the Deadly Sins list, and ahead of Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy and Pride. But nowhere in either Testament or the Talmud is there any mention of masks or social-distancing, except when it comes to staying well away from Satan.

As for masks, of the three major faiths, only Islam mentions them, insisting that women wear them. But, that’s Islam for you.


In case you missed it, Colin Kaepernick continues to have his enormous ego massaged. This time he received the Robert F. Kennedy “Ripple of Hope” Award, along with Anthony Fauci.

The award is bestowed to individuals who are “outstanding changemakers who are working to advance equality, justice and human rights, during extraordinarily challenging times.”

So it should come as no big surprise that only those on the Left can ever be regarded as true changemakers. That is why past honorees include a rogue’s gallery that includes Hillary & Bill Clinton, John Lewis, George Clooney, Archbishop Tutu, Joe Biden, Harry Belafonte, Al Gore and even Mr. Potty Mouth, Robert DeNiro.


Every so often, as they occur to me, I like to share strange experiences I’ve had writing for TV. Probably the funniest scene that ever appeared in any of my episodes took place in a “McMillan & Wife” and I really had nothing to do with making it funny.

The scene was set at a dog show where the killer had to create a smokescreen in order to make his escape. So he let loose a bitch in heat. (How he happened to have one handy, I no longer recall, but I’m sure I came up with a perfectly reasonable explanation.)

In any case, the actor let loose a dog (but apparently not one in heat) and the other dogs ignored it. So the director had him let loose the dog and the dog owners, who were supposed to be trying to hold their animals back and thus creating the required smoke screen, had to do the dragging, making it appear that it was the dogs trying to keep their owners from racing after the little four-footed vixen.

Believe me, it looked as silly on TV as it had on the set.

In one of my TV movies, a split water main, which was supposed to bring an estranged father and son together as they worked together to keep the water from flooding the family vineyard, wound up even worse than the dog show because it wasn’t funny; merely pathetic.

The music let you know the situation was dire, but when they showed you the broken water main, it turned out to be a little hole in a small pipe that could have been repaired with duct tape.

And people wonder why TV writers go bald at such a tender age.

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