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Burt Prelutsky / Aug. 29, 2020

Joe the Shmoe

I confess I didn't tune in the Democratic convention. I often sacrifice myself for the greater good, as when I sat through eight years of Obama's State of the Union addresses. But there are some things I simply refuse to do and listening to four days of idiots with D's after their names spouting insults of Donald Trump and tossing verbal bouquets to Joe Biden is more than I can endure.

I confess I didn’t tune in the Democratic convention. I often sacrifice myself for the greater good, as when I sat through eight years of Obama’s State of the Union addresses. But there are some things I simply refuse to do and listening to four days of idiots with D’s after their names spouting insults of Donald Trump and tossing verbal bouquets to Joe Biden is more than I can endure.

That means I did not see Biden deliver his acceptance speech. From what I’ve heard, it came across a bit disjointed. I mean, even more disjointed than the usual stuff emanating from the candidate’s mouth.

Which is why when Dan Parker assumed that for the previous three weeks, Biden had been in his basement rehearsing his speech, I replied: “My guess is that he wasn’t practicing, but that he spent three weeks delivering it, which provided his handlers with enough time to cut and paste the various attempts and come up with a finished product. But it would explain why it may have had an awkward feel to it. In a movie, there is a great deal of editing, but they’re dealing with various angles of professional actors. They’re not stuck with a word by word edit that can’t help but come off as weirdly mechanical, sounding a bit like those voices that tell you that thanks to the high volume of calls, you may have to wait an hour to find out why your computer is acting up.”

Speaking of which, my favorite meme of the week showed a TV set with a caption reading: “That concludes our convention coverage…thanks for tuning in.” And perched on the couch are cardboard cut-outs of a husband, a wife and a child.

Speaking of the four-day event, shouldn’t it have been more appropriately called a political confection?


Joe Biden has an odd sense of priorities when it comes to granting interviews. Although he’s hoping to garner the votes of Independents and those Republicans who don’t care for Trump, he has refused to grant Fox News an interview. However, there he was chatting with a black woman who has become famous for the raunchy lyrics of the songs she sings. After Tucker Carlson suggested that we check out the song “WAP” on Google because he couldn’t share them on TV, I naturally moseyed over to Google to check them out. Besides, I was curious why a song would be titled “WAP.”

To save you the trouble, I’ll let you know the letters stand for wet ass pussy. The lyrics, and there are several verses, are even worse.
The singer is named Cardi B and she has a large bosom and fingernails so long you might think she inherited them from Howard Hughes. But this is the creature to whom a grinning Joe Biden said: “Cardi B, call me Joey B.”


As you may have heard, our allies at the U.N. refused to join the United States in restoring sanctions on Iraq. Great Britain, France and Germany, self-righteously insisted that it would violate their nuclear agreement, an agreement that provides the major sponsor of terrorism in the world (at least running neck and neck with George Soros) with a pathway to a nuclear arsenal.

The only question is whether their primary concern is the continued sale of weaponry to the outlaw state or to spit in our eye.

With friends like Great Britain, France and Germany, we don’t have to go looking for enemies.


I know that with age, my own ears have gotten a little droopier. But when I saw a few seconds of Barack Obama at the convention on Fox, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Not only is he probably the first man in history who doesn’t look the least bit more distinguished with gray in his hair, but his ears have sprouted! They always made him look like he could fly through the dark using sonar to guide him and that he could sleep hanging upside down from the roof of a cave, but those bat ears now look like he could fly home to Chicago without booking a flight on American.


Here in North Hills, CA, we have something called the Neighborhood Network. People can use it to report lost or found pets; ask for tips about electricians, plumbers and gardeners; wonder why police helicopters are flying over Nordhoff and Hayvenhurst; question if there’s anything that can be done about the encampment of bums by the 405 freeway; and so on.

They also post photos from their security cameras showing men, occasionally women, swiping packages off their porches and busting into cars.

I have been checking in for about a year and half. And in all that time, I have never seen a white person, a black person, an Asian or an Oriental. Each and every time, it has been a Latino.

Now in reporting this news, a Democrat would insist that I was a bigot who was racially stereotyping, accusing every Latino of being a thief. They are too stubborn and too ignorant, not to mention self-righteous, to recognize that claiming that everyone caught on security cameras happens to be Latino is not the same thing as saying that every Latino is a criminal.

I always wonder when they do that if they are merely promoting the narrative that all Conservatives are anti-immigrants or if they are simply too dense to be aware that among their many failings is the inability to think logically.


It’s been a little spooky to see hosts and guests at CNN and MSNBC gushing about the platitudinous speeches as delivered by the Obamas. Although I’ve only seen snippets aired on Bret Baier’s “Special Report” or Tucker Carlson’s show, as bad as Michelle was, her husband was worse.

What makes him so insufferable are those lengthy pauses he takes after every banality he utters. It’s as if he feels he needs to provide time for his audience to ponder the sheer brilliance of his thought process.

It always shocks me when normal people get terribly excited over anyone’s speech, which, at least since the Gettysburg Address, is the product of several writers. The politician may add or delete a word, but they are merely the conduits of someone else’s words, just like any stage or screen actor.

Some, most notably Ronald Reagan, who had been an actor, do it better than others. Some, like Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush, do it worse.

When tethered to a script, Trump is a lot more like Carter and Bush than he is to Reagan. Where he is incomparable is on the stump, talking — more like chatting — with thousands of people. For over an hour, he can hold the crowd entranced as he speaks extemporaneously, flitting without notes from topic to topic as the mood strikes and as he responds to the audience. He’s like a jazz virtuoso, but one with a delightful, self-mocking, sense of humor.

It’s a shame that he and we are being deprived of those rallies because of this damn over-blown C-19 nonsense.


There is an odd, somewhat mysterious group called QAnon that I have only just heard about. Apparently, they strongly support Trump and are accused of being into conspiracy theories. One of which is that there are people plotting to assassinate the President. Maybe I’m a non-dues-paying member and don’t even know it, because I have spent four years expecting to see someone shoot him. I keep hoping that Trump’s not quite as heavy as he looks and that he’s actually sporting a bullet-proof jacket under his shirt.

How can there not be people out there gunning for him when the media, pop culture and politicians, including some in his own party, have spent four years portraying him as a vile despot who hates America, immigrants, sick people, old people, young people and people of every color except white?

Democrats, under the leadership of Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi, have denounced QAnon as a domestic terrorist organization, something they’ve refrained from doing when it comes to Antifa, Black Lives Matter, the Southern Poverty Law Center or Planned Parenthood.

As I said, I’m not sure what QAnon is or isn’t. But I’m pretty darn sure that if asked for my honest opinion of the Democratic party, I’d say it is best described as a domestic terrorist organization.


When one of my female readers questioned Chelsea Clinton’s paternity because she didn’t believe that Bill and Hillary could have turned out what she referred to as “the ugliest rich girl I have ever seen,” I let her know that Chelsea’s loose lower lip convinced me she was sired by Hillary’s former law partner, Webb Hubbell.

That led the lady to wonder whether, considering how many sex partners Bill has had, whether he only fires blanks.

Which led me to suggest that early on, knowing the risks he was planning to take over the course of his life, he may have had a vasectomy. And being who he is, he could have written it off as a legitimate business expense.


The texts and email requesting that I donate to political campaigns never stop. They are all annoying, but the ones that bug me the most are those that promise to triple or quadruple my donations.

So if I don’t kick in $20, someone, just to spite me, will refuse to contribute $100 to Trump or some other Republican running for Congress?

And just who are these fickle donors who refuse to set a good example for the rest of us plebes? Why don’t they ever identify themselves and let us know they have donated $100 and now wouldn’t be all like to contribute a measly 20 bucks to the cause?

What could it hurt? Clearly, nothing else has worked so far. So why not try guilt-tripping me? Occasionally, it worked for my mom.

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