Burt Prelutsky / Nov. 14, 2020

End of Days for America?

Electing a president is not some sort of practical joke.

As most of you know by now, I am not religious. However, it is difficult to gaze over the national landscape these days and not envision biblical times filled with locusts and lepers.

There was a time when being a Democrat meant that you were in favor of civil rights; abiding by the Constitution; respecting cops for putting their lives on the line to protect ours and our loved ones; and realizing that, for all its faults, Capitalism was the economic system that made the most sense because, one, it allowed for upward mobility and, two, didn’t subjugate the interests of the individual to those of the state.

Today, the Democrats are a party of would-be Stalin’s and commissars. There is absolutely nothing they won’t do in order to further their political interests. As we’ve seen in recent months, that includes paying the nation’s rabble to take to the streets, under the guise of seeking justice, to burn and riot and kill. And as we’ve seen in recent days, that includes stealing elections.

Part of the problem is that so far the Supreme Court, especially under the questionable leadership of Chief Justice John Roberts, has turned a blind eye to the corrupt machinations of Democrats in several states. For its part, Congress has played its part by not fighting to stop such practices as prolonging voting past Election Day and mailing out millions of unsolicited ballots.

In a society that cared to defend its precious heritage, votes would be cast, not harvested. And special status would not be given to mail-in ballots. If I were in charge, ballots postmarked later than a week before the election would be tossed. If you can’t make up your mind by late October, it’s probably best if you wait another four years, hope to regain consciousness and vote in the next election.

As for those who vote for Libertarians, Greenies or Kanye West’s delightfully-named Birthday Party, their voting privileges should be revoked until they prove they have grown up and are willing to acknowledge that electing a president is not some sort of practical joke, even though you might think so when you consider some of the candidates the Democrats and, occasionally, the Republicans, serve up.

After hearing that white suburban women went overwhelmingly for Biden, it made me wish that that the urban mobs would broaden their horizons and start disrupting some of those damn soccer matches that the ladies apparently prioritize over the future of America.

Recently, when a friend was coming out here from Chicago, I recalled that when my late mother-in-law would come visit us in California, she would always tell the airline that because of her age and health, she needed to be met with a wheelchair. This was especially beneficial when she had to make connecting flights. When you consider the distance between terminals in places like Denver and O'Hare, I’m surprised that more people don’t request the service or at least bring along a pair of roller skates in their carryon bag.

Thinking of the late Juanita Boe reminded me of the time my wife and I traveled back to her small hometown of Oxford, Nebraska, for a short visit. At this point, if I were on TV and had a sidekick, he would ask: “Just how small was it, Burt?” And I would reply that when my mother-in-law had a bunion removed, it made the front page of the local newspaper.

Which means that the Oxford Gazette is a better, more trustworthy, newspaper than the New York Times or the Washington Post. That’s because she really did have a bunion removed.

Kevin Nolan wrote to remind me that political shenanigans by the Democrats are nothing new.

He recalls that in September, 2002, Rep. Patsy Mink (D, Hawaii) was kept alive on a respirator in order to get through the Democratic primaries. Once she won, they pulled the plug. By the time November rolled around, she was long dead but still on the ballot and was re-elected.

It may have been the first time in American history that dead people got to vote for a dead candidate.

Some would say history repeated itself last Tuesday, but so far as we know, Biden is still breathing, although his brain shows no obvious signs of life.

When I recently expressed amazement that Bill Clinton managed to survive mating with Hillary, one reader wrote to say: “Perhaps Bill was smart enough never to have sex with Hillary.”

I replied: “That would be a logical conclusion, but you’re forgetting who you’re talking about. In a pinch, Bill Clinton would mate with a knothole in a two-by-four. If caught in the act, he’d claim the board had winked at him.”

Pat Miano hopes that if Trump loses this time that he’ll consider running again in 2024. It seems to me that is unlikely. For one thing, he’ll be even older in four years than Biden is now. For another, he’ll have an even bigger hole to dig us out of in 2024 than he did in 2016. And, finally, why would he want to sacrifice himself for such an ungrateful nation? After what he has done over the past four years, the election shouldn’t have been within stealing range for the Democrats. Especially not when he was running against a pair of corrupt weasels like Biden and Harris.

I know that Trump is a patriot who places America’s interests above his own, but after this election, it would serve us right if he just told us to go screw ourselves.

It’s purely subjective if you like or dislike an actor or a movie. It was easier to make those judgments in the old days when a career was entirely in the hands of a studio. If the audience showed they liked to see, say, Dick Powell as a crooning ingenue, Warner’s would be sure to stick him in a dozen musicals before any of us found out when he began playing tough guys in the mid-40s that he was a baritone, not a tenor.

Occasionally, a star would balk at the lousy roles she was getting. Both Bette Davis and Olivia De Havilland went on suspension. The problem with going on suspension is that they were always very risky. If you or your agent felt you had enough clout at the box office, the studio might concede to reasonable demands, but if the studio decided to play hardball and the actor refused to accept any roles for six months or a year, the time was simply tacked on to their standard seven-year contract.

You were in fact an indentured slave, even if a well-paid indentured slave. However, not if you were on suspension. These were not paid vacations.

Some actors and actresses never achieved stardom because they never got that special role that would have put them over the top.

But I was thinking recently about the worst performances I have ever seen, and concluded that in some cases, the actors were simply second-rate and were pretty bad in several other movies. Examples would be John Kerr in “Tea and Sympathy,” James Dean in everything, and Richard Beymer and Natalie Wood in “West Side Story”. I have no doubt that there are a lot of Natalie’s fans out there, gnashing their teeth and cursing me, but the only time I liked her was in “Miracle on 34th Street.” After that, I spent 30 years waiting for her voice to change.

Sometimes, the role or the movie is so awful that even good actors are going to embarrass themselves: Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” William Holden in “Paris When It Sizzles,” Humphrey Bogart in “Beat the Devil.”

More often, it’s the result of abominable casting: Marlon Brando in “Teahouse of the August Moon,” Humphrey Bogart in “Sabrina,” Blythe Danner in “Brighton Beach Memoirs,” Gary Cooper in “Love in the Afternoon,” Alec Guinness and Rosalind Russell in “A Majority of One.”

The two major stumbling blocks seem to be when Caucasian men portray Japanese characters (Rooney, Brando, Guinness) and gentiles play stereotypical Jewish women (Danner, Russell).

One thing I noticed about the election was that even when all the votes had been counted, the total for Biden and Trump was never 100%. Even in Washington, D.C., where the vote was a lopsided 93.4% for Biden and 5.2% for Trump, you wonder if the nincompoops simply failed to sign their ballots with an X or if perhaps 1.4% were scribble-in votes for Al Sharpton.

I agree with those who say that every vote should count. I just don’t think that everyone should be allowed to vote.

I mean, we test people before they’re allowed to drive. We test people for drugs. We test people before they can pass from one grade to another or join the police force or become firemen.

We even test people (their blood, if not their brains) before they can get married.

So how is it that we allow every moron, every lunatic and every Democrat (pardon the redundancy) to help determine who will be the most powerful man in the world?

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