White House advisor David Axelrod accused Fox News of fanning rumors President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. The issue’s already settled. Last week investigators were able to track down and produce Barack Obama’s birth certificate on Hawaii-Five-O.

President Obama addressed a rally in Maryland where fifteen people were treated for dizziness and fainting before he arrived. Democrats were upset. There was a time when people at Obama rallies fainted out of excitement and not out of hunger.

MTV executives hand-picked the audience for President Obama’s town hall on MTV. They want a crowd reflecting ethnic, racial and gender diversity. They want a town hall that looks like America, not the America that shows up at town halls.

Lou Holtz was ordered by ESPN to stop sending fundraising letters on behalf of the GOP. College football has a huge effect on politics. Fifteen Southern states voted Republican in the last election because Obama sounds too much like Go Bama.

Swiss bankers acknowledged that the world’s wealthiest investors have been buying up gold, causing gold’s price per ounce to skyrocket. It’s gotten crazy. Last week tourists in Beverly Hills saw Mr. T in a pawn shop, for six hundred thousand dollars.

Bank of America halted all home foreclosures after the Senate scheduled hearings in November. Foreclosure documents were signed without anybody at the bank reading them. So now the richest guys in town are stuck with cell phone contracts for five years.

President Obama delivered a rousing speech at a downtown rally in Philadelphia on Sunday. While the president was onstage reciting all the bills he’s passed, someone from the crowd threw a book at him. Don’t worry, it passed without anybody reading it.

The Social Network topped the box office about the kids who created Facebook. Everyone is on it now. A survey shows ten percent of parents punish their kids by taking them off Facebook, and the other ninety percent punish them by friending them on Facebook.

Columbus Day was ripped Monday by La Raza, which claimed that Europeans wiped out North America with viruses. They said a hundred years after Columbus, Mexico’s population fell from twenty million to one million. After that the Comanches had enough and closed the border.

Google engineers showcased a new concept car that drives and stops and changes lanes and brakes all by itself without need of a driver. Great idea. Soon all the cab drivers in New York will be unemployed and hanging around the new mosque with nothing to do.

China blocked European diplomats from meeting with jailed Nobel Peace Prize winner Liu Xiobao. The Obama administration refused to join the effort. It goes against American values to criticize China this close to a Treasury bill auction

Chileans partied Wednesday over the rescue of thirty-three miners who had been trapped one-half mile underground for over two months. Let’s hope we’re next. Americans are so deep in the hole that it’s starting to look like a secret plan to invade China.

The New York Daily News cited a geneaologist who found that President Obama is a tenth cousin of Rush Limbaugh. He’s also a ninth cousin of Dick Cheney. The president hired the geneaologist himself in a last-minute attempt to get the crowds on his side.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].