John Kerry told a crowd that Rush Limbaugh has turned America into Know Nothings. He is one to talk. John Kerry lost the presidential election six years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he’s not just any idiot.

Election Day arrived Tuesday with the U.S. economy the number-one issue among U.S. voters. Only a last-minute turnout could have saved the Democrats. President Obama spent all that weekend on the campaign trail offering hope and change and zero-percent financing.

The New York Times ran an article about President Obama which took note of how much grayer his hair has gotten during his two years in office. This amounts to piling on. You know he’s in trouble when liberals complain that even his hair isn’t black enough.

GOP House leader John Boehner slammed President Obama for referring to Republicans as enemies of Hispanics. He was furious. John Boehner loves Hispanics so much that he has an open account at three tanning salons so he can look more like one.

George W. Bush got a thunderous ovation from Texas Rangers fans when he threw out the World Series first pitch. The love for him was real. He may have invaded the wrong country from time to time and he can’t speak English, but he’s been soaring in the polls ever since the Democrats named a tax cut after him.

Homeland Security noted that al-Qaeda is mailing powdered explosives to terrorize Western countries. It doesn’t scare everybody. Whenever people in Los Angeles discover suspicious powder inside a letter we inject it into a wrinkle immediately to see if it works.

The New York Marathon welcomed the entry of rescued Chilean miner Edison Pena. He trained by running six miles a day in the mine tunnels while he was trapped underground for two months. The only guy who ran harder for survival was Barney Frank.

Election Day saw a record turnout thanks to beautiful weather and a massive GOP turnout. The shoe was clearly on the other foot. After the congressional election result was posted, Indonesia offered the Democrats millions in tsunami relief.

Jeb Bush gave election day interviews Tuesday, prompting rumors that he’ll run for president in two years. There was great joy on the right. Conservatives think just like alcoholics the way they cling to the delusion that the next Bush will turn out differently.

President Obama forgot to call the San Francisco Giants when they won the World Series. He ignored the national pastime. You can always tell what the president’s watching by the roar that comes out of the Oval Office whenever Namibia scores a goal.

Republicans swept to their biggest win in the House in sixty-two years and took over the House of Representatives. They’re proud of their core principles, which never change. In their first official act they’re going to impeach Bill Clinton.

President Obama rented out the entire Taj Mahal Palace in Bombay where he arrived during a Hindu holiday. The timing was perfect for him. Everyone in India wants to know if it’s true that Aqua Buddha was just elected U.S. Senator from Kentucky.

London’s Scotland Yard alerted President Obama about a suspicious package which British intelligence detected on a plane from Yemen to New York. The timing was hilarious. Britain protected the United States five days before Barack Obama flies to India and Indonesia to help them celebrate their independence from being British protectorates.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].