President Obama joyfully announced the U.S. government sold half its GM stock it assumed last year and cleared taxpayers a thirteen billion dollar profit. His friends are worried. Nothing ruins a Democrat like evidence he could have been a great speculator.

Donald Trump says he may run for president as a Republican in two years. He’s very much a man of his times. There are seventy million Baby Boomers and Donald Trump is the only one who still wears a Davy Crockett coonskin cap on his head every day.

Texas Governor Rick Perry urged sending U.S. troops into Mexico to battle the Cali Cartel. The traffickers get a big assist from al-Qaeda. Now that TSA screeners get to grope you in the airport the last thing they care about is that baby powder in your travel bag.

Senate Democrats introduced a health care reform bill that reforms health care reform. It lets state mandates trump federal mandates. Democrats approach health care the same way the Amish go hunting, they sneak up on a deer then they build a barn around it.

Newt Gingrich addressed the GOP conference last week. He proposed twelve steps to transform America and offered five online seminars to show them how to do it. No one bit until they threw in the Pat Boone CD collection and then he got swamped with orders.

The TSA was overwhelmed by complaints from passengers who were fondled by airport screeners. Misunderstanding is rampant. Every time Al Gore asks the TSA for a happy ending while they are patting him down, they assure him his flight will land safely.

Patrick Kennedy retired from Congress leaving no Kennedys in the U.S. government for the first time in sixty-four years. This explains everything. The TSA isn’t groping women for security reasons, they’re just trying to carry on the Kennedy legacy.

President Obama used his weekly address last Saturday to urge passage of an arms treaty with Russia. He really cranked up the fear factor. He warned that the Russians have a new missile that can reach our shores, grope our private parts and cause us to miss the next flight.

The National Institutes of Health found that one adult American in five is mentally ill. Treatment is costly. The reason people prefer online shopping and UPS delivery is because stomping on plastic bubble wrap is a lot cheaper than anti-depressant drugs.

President Obama was chided in Portugal for his presidential limo projecting such imperialism. He can launch a nuclear attack, crash the markets or start a trade war. The guy who loads his Teleprompter has more power than anybody since Caesar Augustus.

President Obama used his weekly address last Saturday to urge passage of an arms treaty with Russia. He really cranked up the fear factor. He warned that the Russians have a new missile that can reach our shores, grope our private parts and cause us to miss the next flight.

The Energy Department reported Monday that truck drivers are driving drunk while hauling nuclear weapons across the country. The drunker the better. When you hit a pothole while transporting a nuclear bomb, the last thing you want to realize is the danger you’re in.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Il showed off his nuclear enrichment plant Sunday. The U.S. may give nuclear weapons to Japan to help keep North Korea and China in line. The thinking is, now that we’ve duplicated the Great Depression, maybe we can duplicate the exact same conditions that led up to World War II which got us out of the Great Depression.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].