From The Comedy Store
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange agreed to write his memoirs for one million dollars. He hacked into U.S. government computers and revealed every U.S. government secret to the world. This is the biggest invasion of privacy since the invention of Facebook.
The Justice Department warned that Al-Qaeda wants to poison restaurant salad bars. We can all see what’s coming. Soon you won’t be allowed to eat the only food that’s legal to eat until you’ve been patted down by the assistant manager at The Sizzler.
Congress adjourned Thursday last week after an astounding lame-duck session. They passed tax cuts, let gays in the military, ratified a Russian arms treaty, and refused amnesty. Imagine how great America could be if Congress were only allowed to meet in December.
The U.S. Senate ratified the START treaty with Russia last week. The language was altered to meet security concerns. It still gives the United States and Russia enough missiles to blow China off the map if they don’t stop with the collection calls.
The White House announced that President Obama will host the Chinese leader Hu Jintao for an official state dinner in Washington. It can’t hurt that they meet in person again. At the very least it’s good exercise for Obama’s lower back.
The White House began preparing for China’s president Hu Jintao’s official state visit. It can be a bit tricky. The Office of Protocol has been dispatched to buy him an appropriate gift but it’s a little awkward buying somebody a gift with their own money.
President Obama vowed last Wednesday to fight next year for the passage of the just-rejected bill that gives U.S. citizenship to the children of illegal aliens. They must attend two years of college or serve in the U.S. military. The name of the bill is No Juan Left Behind.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates warned U.S. troops last week that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is still law pending a review on its effect on morale. It could be reinstated. They were a little concerned when reinforcements landed in Afghanistan Friday and marched off the plane in a conga line.
Hawaii’s Governor Neil Abercrombie vowed to release President Obama’s birth records. Obama spent his youth moving from Hawaii to Indonesia to Los Angeles and then to Harvard. Every step of his life took him further and further away from America.
Scenic Traveler RV Center in Wisconsin reported a twenty-five percent increase in the sale of Recreational Vehicles in the last six months. It’s a smart economic decision by consumers. Bankers can’t foreclose on something they can’t catch.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell blasted the NFL for cancelling Sunday’s Eagles game due to Philadelphia’s blizzard. The NFL had no choice. The snow was four feet deep and Michael Vick’s probation does not allow him to get to the stadium by dog sled.
U.S. Customs arrested a man landing at L.A. Airport with fourteen pounds of cocaine disguised as Easter eggs. You’ve never seen a Beverly Hills Easter egg hunt. The kids stand by and watch while the parents run frantically around looking for the eggs.
President Obama vowed to get the Dream Act passed next session, calling it a tribute to America’s diversity. Last week the U.S. Census said there are three hundred and eight million people living in the United States. A good half of them are believed to be Americans.
WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange agreed to write his memoirs for one million dollars. He hacked into U.S. government computers and revealed every U.S. government secret to the world. This is the biggest invasion of privacy since the invention of Facebook.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
