From The Comedy Store
President Obama vowed in his State of the Union speech to settle the problem of illegal aliens once and for all. He’d like them to be legal by the next election. By the election after that they’ll own their own homes and businesses and vote Republican forever.
The Ronald Reagan Library is offering a book of Ronald Reagan’s favorite food and drink recipes to honor his hundredth birthday. His holiday eggnog recipe is two parts bourbon and two parts eggnog. The Gipper always did believe in peace through strength.
China’s President Hu Jintao toasted America at the White House state dinner in his honor. He looked a bit bewildered. How good a time can you really be having if somebody is throwing a lavish party in your honor with money you loaned him?
Hawaii’s governor said he still can’t find Obama’s birth certificate. He can’t get through the crowd at the hall of records. Looking for Obama’s birth certificate has become something tourists love to do late in the afternoon after they’ve had enough sun.
White House press secretary Robert Gibbs hedged when asked if President Obama has really quit smoking. It’s never the smoker’s fault. President Obama says he’d like to quit smoking but he can’t get the sixty votes in the Senate to make it happen.
President Obama urged House and Senate Democrats to get things done and avoid gridlock like last year. That’s a lesson the Democrats certainly learned the hard way. Gridlock just gives everybody more time to sit in the car and listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Oprah Winfrey announced Monday she’s discovered a half-sister who was given up for adoption as a child. The crowd went wild when Oprah brought her out onstage. The sister must now decide whether she wants the money in one lump sum or in annual payments.
President Obama gave his State of the Union speech from the U.S. Capitol in a buoyant mood Tuesday. He’d just received some tremendous economic news. They finally found his birth certificate in Honolulu and discovered that he too is Oprah Winfrey’s half-sister.
President Obama told Congress he inherited a legacy of deficit spending and that more of it was necessary to put money in people’s pockets. It didn’t work. The Democrats still lost the House and Rahm Emanuel got kicked off the ballot in Chicago.
Democrats and Republican lawmakers agreed to sit mixed together during the State of the Union, not separated by parties. So they had to ask each other for sit-by dates, risking rejection and humiliation. For crying out loud, the reason they became famous and powerful in the first place was so they’d never have to live through junior high again.
China’s President Hu Jintao arrived home from his U.S. visit Sunday and said China may stop lending money to the U.S. government. That was a harsh statement which could carry major consequences. He’ll be sorry on Father’s Day when all we give him is a tie.
Joe Biden was called home to Delaware Monday to answer a summons to appear in court for jury duty. He can get out of jury duty if he can convince the judge that his job is essential. The trial could last eight weeks, so we may not see him again until April.
Michelle Obama proposed changing food content to reduce U.S. obesity rates. Ingredients can solve the fat problem. A century ago the average man weighed one hundred forty pounds, the average woman weighed a hundred pounds, and Coca-Cola contained cocaine.
President Obama vowed in his State of the Union speech to settle the problem of illegal aliens once and for all. He’d like them to be legal by the next election. By the election after that they’ll own their own homes and businesses and vote Republican forever.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
