From The Comedy Store
Homeland Security’s Janet Napolitano told Congress the U.S. faces a terror threat. She said she tightened airport security to keep terrorists out of the country. If they want to come to the United States they’ll have to fly to Mexico and walk across like everybody else.
Mexico provided emergency electricity to Texas after the blizzard and cold air cut power in Dallas. They sent it through El Paso. They tried sending the electricity through Arizona but a bunch of people in lawn chairs glared at it and stared it back.
Michelle Obama applauded Charlotte’s selection as host city for the Democratic Convention, saying it’s famous for barbecue. It’s not. The reason they wanted to praise the BBQ is they don’t want people to think that pork is against the president’s religion.
The Weather Channel said that Chicago’s blizzard was the city’s third heaviest snowfall in recorded history. It may take weeks to melt. There is so much snow in Chicago that Rod Blagojevich is trying to trade a U.S. Senate seat for a snow blower.
Californians began a petition drive for an Arizona-like immigration law. No one agrees on the numbers involved. They say there are ten million illegal immigrants living in this country, but if you ask an Indian, the number is more like three hundred million.
Egypt’s government dispatched the army and police on to try to reduce the size of the protest crowds in Cairo. It’s all so completely unnecessary. If you want the people to stay in their homes and do nothing all you have to do is turn the Internet back on.
The White House refused to jettison health care reform after a federal judge in Florida threw it out as unconstitutional last week. There’s an easy and simple way to explain ObamaCare. Democrats think it’s a pill and Republicans think it’s a suppository.
President Obama spoke to a Chamber of Commerce convention Monday that clapped only twice in thirty-five minutes. He refused to take his speechwriters’ advice. They told him that the only way to win over a business crowd is to open with an Obama joke.
President Obama said Sunday he will listen to GOP ideas to improve health care reform. He desperately wants consensus. Yesterday President Obama said he’s willing to meet the Republicans halfway on the issue of his birthplace and agree he was born in Casablanca.
Andrea Mitchell accused Republicans of using Ronald Reagan’s legacy for political gain. Democrats benefit from Jack Kennedy’s legacy as well. Whenever a Democrat has a missile crisis, voters just laugh it off as the seven-year itch and re-elect him.
President Obama evoked JFK in a speech to the Chamber of Commerce Monday. Last week he was Ronald Reagan and this week he’s Jack Kennedy. How much respect can Black History month generate when President Obama observes it by pretending he’s Irish?
The Energy Department revealed plans to install enormous wind farms off the East Coast. The whirring propellers will decapitate hundreds of birds a day that’ll wash up on shore. Democrats have fifteen years to figure out how to blame it on an oil company.
Toyota was found by the U.S. government Tuesday to have no electronic flaws which caused any sudden acceleration. The automaker just introduced its new electric car in Tokyo. Technically, it doesn’t actually become electrified until after it hits the light pole.
Homeland Security’s Janet Napolitano told Congress the U.S. faces a terror threat. She said she tightened airport security to keep terrorists out of the country. If they want to come to the United States they’ll have to fly to Mexico and walk across like everybody else.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
