From The Comedy Store
CIA Director Leon Panetta guessed wrong last Thursday telling Congress that Mubarak would resign that day. He vowed to improve the intelligence-gathering capacity at CIA headquarters. The next day, he told the General Services Administration that every office at the CIA must have cable television no matter what it costs.
Russian astronomers confirmed NASA’s warnings and spotted an asteroid headed for Earth in twenty five years that could destroy our economy. Predicting an asteroid’s arrival can be tricky. Due to light refraction, the Hubble telescope is just now seeing the rise of China.
President Obama addressed an Internet convention in Michigan where he urged the computer and software industry to use their huge profits to hire more workers. His plea fell on deaf ears. Only the U.S. government hires more people than it needs.
Hosni Mubarak stepped down as president of Egypt after eighteen days of massive protests against his rule. He refused to resign until he’d won a list-minute legal victory. The Illinois Supreme Court just ruled he’s eligible to run for mayor of Chicago.
CIA Director Leon Panetta guessed wrong last Thursday telling Congress that Mubarak would resign that day. He vowed to improve the intelligence-gathering capacity at CIA headquarters. The next day, he told the General Services Administration that every office at the CIA must have cable television no matter what it costs.
Intelligence Director Jim Clapper conceded that the Muslim Brotherhood killed Egypt’s last 2 leaders, invented suicide vests and founded al-Qaeda. However, now he says they are a mature secular group. It just proves that the coke was much better back in the Seventies.
The Academy Award for Best Picture Sunday will pit The King’s Speech about King George VI against The Social Network about Facebook founder Jeff Zuckerberg. The King and the Facebook founder have one interesting trait in common. They both lost Egypt.
The Transportation Department considered plans to require that all new cars be equipped with black box data recorders. This could save the legal profession. The GPS tracking alone could provide enough evidence to triple the divorce rate in six months.
Hillary Clinton gave bloggers twenty-five million dollars to get around Iran’s social network block and encourage freedom. She wants Twitter feeds in Farsi. Hillary’s a big fan of Twitter ever since a little birdie told her that Obama doesn’t have a birth certificate.
Mississippi lawmakers made plans to honor Civil War heroes on their license plates. The war was fought over free trade and slavery. The South lost the war at first, until the election of Bill Clinton restored free trade, and the open border with Mexico restored slavery.
Facebook announced it’s considering buying Twitter for ten billion dollars. This’d be like a marriage of two addictions. People waste so much time on Facebook and Twitter that companies have unlocked Computer Solitaire to make employees more productive.
Donald Trump said Wednesday he may run for president as a fiscal conservative. He added he’s not a fan of George W. Bush because Bush gave us Obama. That deserves the Oscar for Best Original Angle, because not even Obama ever thought of blaming Obama on Bush.
President Obama demanded that Pakistan release a U.S. diplomat who’s being held in prison even though he has diplomatic immunity from arrest. The crisis gives Obama a flush. According to Hoyle, you must have a recession, inflation, a cocaine epidemic, the overthrow of an ally in the Middle East and a hostage crisis in order to achieve Carterhood.
The Discovery Channel said the United States led the world in the number of shark attacks last year for the first time. It makes sense. When you consider the number of Democrats up for re-election next year, there’s never been more blood in the water.
© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].
