Del Monte recalled thousands of crates of cantaloupe harvested in Central California due to salmonella. The president was too preoccupied with Libya to comment. The difference between salmonella and the White House is that salmonella has an exit strategy.

Hillary Clinton notched her highest job approval rating ever in the Gallup Poll at sixty-seven percent. She’s twenty-five points ahead of Obama’s number. President Obama is so unpopular that Kenyans have begun claiming he was born in the United States.

President Obama said the U.S. was not at war in Libya while announcing the attack on Moammar Khadaffi’s forces. He said we don’t want regime change but insisted Khadaffi must go. The CIA thinks the easiest way to assassinate Moammar Khadaffi is to confuse him to death.

The White House had mountains of dirt on the lawn Wednesday from all the digging on the secret underground construction project. It’s believed to be a tunnel in case of an attack by Iran or North Korea. President Obama has an exit strategy when it matters to him.

Al-Qaeda of Yemen released its new lifestyle magazine called Inspire, which includes an advice column, entertainment and fashion news. The first issue was a little tough. Now that al-Qaeda is America’s ally in Libya they’re searching for their editorial voice.

GE was sued into reporting on Tuesday that it paid no federal taxes last year. Documents show GE cleared fourteen billion in profits and got thirty-six billion in U.S. contracts and paid no federal taxes. Forget GE, it’s the Freedom of Information Act that brings good things to light.

The Transportation Department said that traffic fatalities hit an all-time low last year. The species has adapted. Americans have learned to text without looking down at the phone and they only drive Toyotas between midnight and four in the morning.

McDonald’s will hire fifty thousand workers next week so they can stay open around the clock. People will be able to buy Big Macs, French fries and milkshakes twenty-four hours per day. President Obama made the announcement like he was cheating on his wife.

President Obama’s re-election campaign kicked off in Chicago Monday with a stated goal of raising one billion dollars this year. He’s trying to scare off any Democratic primary opponent who might inspire more confidence. Jimmy Carter still has one term left.

The White House met with GOP House leaders Tuesday in an effort to reach a budget compromise that would avoid a shutdown. There’s no public outcry. A shutdown would get rid of non-essential government services, which was the public’s point in the first place.

India risked a trade war by banning the import of all Japanese fish to India due to the radiation. It hurts workers in both countries. Japan retaliated by announcing they will build all their computers so perfectly there will never be any need for tech support.

A Southwest flight had to make an emergency landing Sunday after a hole opened up in the top of one of their planes for the second time. The government solved the problem right away. The TSA just added can openers to the list of prohibited items aboard all flights.

Toyota announced it will use Microsoft software to develop technology to bring data navigation and entertainment to hybrid cars. Great. If there’s anything more entertaining than a car that speeds up for no reason it’s a car that turns blue and shuts off for no reason.

© Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and speaks to groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at [email protected].