Kerry Resume for President
JOHN FORBES KERRY, “MAN OF THE PEOPLE”
CAREER OBJECTIVE
President of the United States, Renter of the Lincoln bedroom, Intern Supervisor, Commander and Chief and Defender of the Working Man, I mean Person
EDUCATION
Educated at Swiss Boarding Schools – because my parents did not like me that much
Attended elite private schools like Fessenden School in West Newton, Massachusetts and St. Paul’s in New Hampshire – just like your kids
Graduated Yale University, 1966 (I am much smarter than that Bush guy – oh, wait, he also went to Yale.)
Graduated Boston College Law School in 1976 (I am much smarter than that Bush guy – oh, wait, he got an MBA from Harvard.)
VIETNAM MILITARY SERVICE
Served as an officer on a swiftboat in the Mekong Delta in VIETNAM for three long months – tried my best to come home a hero like JFK after his service on PT-109. I was in VIETNAM – VIETNAM was a place where I was for a while. Did I mention that VIETNAM veterans love me?
I collected three Purple Hearts in my three months (had to get three in order to come home and run for Congress as a hero like JFK) and the last one for that scratch on my finger – it REALLY did hurt! It was important to have the right connections so I could get home and run for Congress on my hero status like JFK – he was not in VIETNAM, but I was.
Brought my own motion camera to make sure images of me in VIETNAM becoming a hero made it back home to the states. Got a free trip home after three months on my swiftboat where I suffered severe injuries and collected three Purple Hearts (did I mention that), a Bronze and Silver Star for heroism – ensuring my destiny as a hero and man of the people like JFK.
Got home and found out they were not bestowing hero status on war heroes like me, so I threw my medals, or was it my ribbons, over the White House fence. Maybe it was someone else’s medals.
Co-founder of the VIETNAM Veterans of America and spokesperson for the VIETNAM Veterans Against the War and worked closely with Jane Fonda to make sure everyone knew that all the guys in VIETNAM were war criminals – I was too, and even testified before the Senate about my own war crimes.
“Represented” my cadre of anti-American misfits in a Paris meeting to discuss how we could better provide “aid and comfort” for the North Vietnamese and to discuss the unconditional surrender of the U.S. In doing so, I knowingly, directly violated UCMJ Article 104 part 904, and U.S. Code 18 U.S.C. 953.
Did I mention that this meeting, and my other anti-American activities, also put me in violation of the Constitution’s Article three, Section three, which defines treason as “giving aid and comfort” to the enemy in time of warfare.
Consequently, I stand subject to the Constitution’s Fourteenth Amendment, Section 3, which states, “No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice-President…having previously taken an oath…to support the Constitution of the United States, [who has] engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof.”
But I don’t have to resign – I am understudy to Teddy Kennedy, now the patriarch of JFK’s family.
I topped off my coddling of Commies by authoring a book called The New Soldier – but since military heroes are back in vogue, I now sue anyone who reproduces the cover of that book on any website. (The cover picture is a mockery of the Iwo Jima flag raising
