World’s Smallest Violin

“I think we are the most oppressed team in the World Cup.” —Iran national soccer team manager Amir Ghalenoei

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

“I suggested to Israel to let Syria take care of Hezbollah, because to be honest with you, I think they’d do a better job of doing it.” —President Donald Trump

Demagogue

“Today, my wife & I joined Donald Trump’s hit list. He has directed his Department of Justice to investigate us. They have not found a crime — they are simply trying to find one. He isn’t coming after me because of mean tweets, but because I am considering running for President.” —California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D)

Open Lawfare

“We’re going to hold [Donald Trump’s] third and final impeachment trial. The one that’s going to put [him] away for good. And I’m going to enjoy every minute of that.” —George Conway, Lincoln Project cofounder and candidate for Congress in New York

Shot/Chaser

Q: “The Catholic faith says we take in immigrants. We take in people who don’t have, or who are having a hard time. How do you justify [that]?” —"The View" cohost Whoopi Goldberg

A: “The Christian faith — I think this is true of both Protestants and Catholics — [says] that you can have borders. You’re allowed to enforce your borders. That means the law enforcement piece of it. But, you also have to take certain precautions and certain care.” —Vice President JD Vance

Belly Laugh of the Day

“This is a show of MAGA Republicans, right? That’s what my media team told me.” —JD Vance as he joined the leftist ladies of “The View”

Horrors Beyond Belief

“At the very least, 250,000 young white girls have been subjected to repeated rape, gang rape, trafficking, torture, pregnancy, forced Islamic conversion, and lifelong trauma. The true number is probably higher.” —the UK Rape Gang Inquiry Report

“Our inquiry report proves that without doubt there is an undeniable link between religion and the rape gangs. Islam. As a country, we need to find the courage to finally say so.” —British MP Rupert Lowe

Re: the Rainbow Mafia

“It’s amazing how all these professional leagues are stricter on Christians expressing their faith than they are when a player is convicted of domestic violence or sexual assault.” —Nalin Haley on the MLB warning players against posting Bible verses on their pride caps

Upright

“I will pay the fines for any @MLB Christian player who wears a Bible verse on their uniform.” —Republican comedian Rob Schneider