Earlier this month, Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro was forced to flee from starving citizens while he was attempting to gin up sagging public support for his socialist government. As a result of this life threatening experience, Maduro mandated new rules governing food purchasing and distribution. Anyone caught buying “too much” food is now subject to arrest. That’s right, Maduro’s solution for starving Venezuelans is to spread it around as evenly as possible. When living under an increasingly socialistic totalitarian regime, such as the one in Venezuela, it would be wise to remember the following lessons:

One, always be prepared for the seemingly random and sudden denial of common individual rights, such as standing in line to purchase food.

Two, never ever, ever criticize the governing authorities; all problems experienced by citizens are always the result of A) The United States of America, B) capitalism or C) both A and B.

Three, the government always knows best and to question it is tantamount to treason.

Four, due process certainly exists, all accused are assumed guilty unless irrefutable evidence presented to the state shows other-wise. Note: the state determines what constitutes “irrefutable.”

Five, the right of assembly to protest is strongly encouraged so long as focus of protest is capitalism, the United States or both. All other protests are liable to benevolent government discipline. Remember, the state knows the needs of its citizens better than those individual citizens.

Six, the state embraces the press, so long as the press also embrace the state. Any negative stories about the state only serves to undermine citizens’ confidence in their government and is therefore forbidden.

Seven, socialism is the most equitable of all systems, for all those under the governing authorities share equally… in suffering.