The Gipper: “Excellence demands competition. Without a race there can be no champion, no records broken, no excellence — in education or in any other walk of life.”

Village Idiots: “If I could I would take all the guns in America, put them on big barges and go dump them in the ocean. Nobody would have a gun. Not police, not security, not anybody. We should eliminate all of them. We could save 33,000 people a year if we didn’t have guns in this country. … They are a scourge of this country and no one should have one as far as I’m concerned. There’s no defense to guns. There’s just absolutely no reason to have them.” —Oregon Judge Kenneth Walker

Braying Jackass: “[Colin Kaepernick] took a knee. And now he’s started a huge conversation about what it means to be American, what it means to be proud to be an American, what it means to salute the flag, because he took a knee.” —Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban

How does throwing Americans on the government dole accomplish that? “I believe one of the jobs of the president is to encourage more service, to help more Americans answer President Kennedy’s call. You know it: ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’” —Hillary Clinton

Feel the Bern: “[Bernie Sanders’ acolytes are] children of the Great Recession and they are living in their parents’ basement. And so if you’re consigned to, you know, being a barista or, you know, some other job that doesn’t pay a lot and doesn’t have much of a ladder of opportunity attached to it, then the idea that maybe, just maybe, you could be part of a political revolution is pretty appealing.” —Hillary Clinton

And last… “Someone sent me an item that perfectly summed up Hillary Clinton to my satisfaction. The caption to her photo read: ‘Why can’t you people understand that the medical problems I don’t have are the reason I can’t remember the criminal acts I didn’t commit.’” —Burt Prelutsky