Columnist.
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"The nation will always remember the startling images of Trump falling over and hitting his ear," said Anderson Cooper.
Bondi was carrying the Epstein list when she accidentally bumped into a super cute guy who it turns out is a young Santa Claus and somehow the lists got switched in a romantic "Christmas List Swap."
"Never heard of the guy, sorry," said Dr. O'Connor. "Really wish I could help, but I'm just drawing a total blank on that name. Biden, Biden...nope, not ringing any bells."
The matter was finally settled this week by the people on the list issuing a joint statement denying the existence of the list.
Some of the big names who have already jumped on board may surprise you — like Joe Biden, who doesn't really know where he is or what he's signing up for.
"They tried to warn us," sighed Speaker Mike Johnson, surveying the carnage. "They tried to tell us that this would kill everyone, but we didn't listen. How foolish I was!"
Governor Gavin Newsom sued the Trump administration for bothering to keep a census at all, calling it "fascist authoritarian overreach."
"Hey Bill, we're gonna need more disinfectant," said this year's Disinfectant Grand Marshall, Bart Martin. "Looks like we got ourselves a doozy this year."
"Yesterday, I saw Laura had ordered $200 worth of light bulbs, just 'so we don't run out.' That probably paid for a few of the napkins."
Top legal analysts admitted that they were perplexed by the dissenting opinion, saying it used obscure legalese they could not understand.
Authorizing the development of state-run shoplifting centers: This is the clever outside-the-box thinking people need from their elected leaders.
"We have highly classified intelligence which confirms that Hiroshima was not, I repeat, was not incinerated as was expected. The U.S. mission has failed."
New York Times: "Quiet Middle Eastern Community Devastated By Unprovoked Trump Attack." MSNBC: "Iran Is Now The George Floyd Of The Middle East."
"It took a long time to build up those cool nuke factories with the huge pallets of stacked cash we gave them. I had high hopes for that nuclear program."
"This is just a tool for peaceful scientific and humanitarian research. We do not intend any harm toward America or the Jews, who will all die like dogs, inshallah."
The exchange of obscure Pokémon facts raises serious questions about how much the American government really knows about Iran and the Pokémon they collect.
The Middle East is once again exploding, with peace in the volatile region seemingly as elusive as ever. But take heart! Peace is not as far away as you think.
All presidents shall be appointed by all-powerful federal judges: This will more closely reflect the nation's current hierarchy of power.
"These vacancies just exploded onto the scene," said one job listing. "All experienced nuclear engineers are encouraged to apply."
