Columnist.
"They're a bad bunch, and we're going to fix the problem."
By implementing this list of simple hacks, the U.S. will be out of the red in no time.
The savvy political maneuver solves the trade deficit while also creating one supercountry that possesses the largest maple syrup reserve in the world.
"A Moscow Mule is three parts ginger beer, one part lime juice, and the rest is vodka. If you don't taste the vodka, you're doing it wrong."
They requested that Trump make a special appearance at the Federal Law Enforcement Training Center to teach incoming recruits the secret to his amazing feat.
"As a pretend Indian, I am honored to endorse a for real one," Elizabeth Warren told reporters. "I completely and thoroughly offer my support to Zohran Mamdani."
The two political figures were allegedly compelled to target each other as more information related to the Trump-Russia collusion hoax was declassified.
"See vodka, it's like a drink. It comes in a bottle, and you pour it into a glass, and then you drink it."
At publishing time, Judge Bauer issued an additional ruling requiring Sweeney to get a septum piercing and a face tattoo.
The center sits on 19 acres, featuring a fruit and vegetable garden, an events facility, and a giant castle that holds the secrets to conquering the entire universe.
Jehovah's Witnesses on your front porch: They may be annoying, but they're far less dangerous than Democrats.
"You can do anything you put your mind to. Heck, they tell me I was president. Not bad for a guy who used to drive long-haul 18-wheelers for a living."
While he didn't want people judged by race, he thought it was okay to judge people if they had funny ears: Those big-eared weirdos should have no place in society.
"I can't commit treason against America if I was never an American," Obama said confidently in a brief statement to reporters.
"These essential products will become totally unaffordable to the average American," Biden said.
Moist Madness: People saying the word "moist" repeatedly for an hour and a half. Much less cringey.
Stephen Colbert was thankful for his time peddling lies about the COVID-19 vaccine being safe and effective and pushing DEI initiatives in the workplace.
"Every Mexican kid deserves the chance to live out their dream of working as slave labor in California," Newsom told reporters.
"I personally and single-handedly approved every pardon signed by the autopen machine," the teleprompter said. "As the acting president at the time, I had that authority."
The Biden-appointed judge had received such strong criticism recently, leading the chief justice to find some fun activity to keep her occupied.
