Columnist.
"Trump is a tyrant! He has taken away our freedoms!" cried Mable Mcclean, a 68-year-old bisexual Episcopalian priest and part-time slam poet.
"I have a responsibility to serve the people who voted for me when they weren't legally allowed to do so," a defiant Newsom told reporters.
Neon-clad and muscles gleaming, the pair agreed to let bygones be bygones and get back to working together. "It feels so right," said Musk.
"Maybe the National Guard isn't mostly peaceful enough. Maybe it's time to send in the mostliest peaceful of them all: the United States Marines."
Republicans have approximately 3,000 hours of footage depicting illegal immigrants behaving violently and cursing the country that allowed them in.
Give each of them one end of a long spaghetti noodle: They will have no choice but to kiss and make up.
Dress up so you look like J.K. Rowling: They will collapse in tears before the race even begins.
"While we have a reputation for perpetrating violent and ruthless acts against our enemies, sending Greta Thunberg here is far beyond any definition of cruel and unusual punishment."
Engage in any of the activities listed below — like owning a cat — and you'll fit right in with all the gays.
"We're not all about to die? This is terrible news. Terrible, cataclysmic news. We cannot allow humanity to not be about to die."
Use sports analogies in every political speech: "Men, we're going to need to throw a Hail Mary from behind the 3-point line and strike out climate change with a mean Pick 6!"
"Working in government is a far more complicated and challenging job than inventing rockets capable of taking humans to other planets."
"We're going to help people. No, I'm serious. Not a joke, man. Think about it. My flimgizzdle has a chicken on the gribble, Jack."
Macron's latest spill down the steps occurred just as reports indicated that he had been physically accosted by his wife, Brigitte.
"Over the past four years, ChatGPT has authored just north of 42,000 term papers, as well as countless research articles and a dozen marriage proposals."
There are certain things even the Constitution does not allow. Saying "I kind of enjoy the Disney Star Wars films" can actually get you deported, believe it or not.
"We are thrilled to support this measure," said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "Thanks to this new rule, a majority of our income as politicians will now be tax-free."
If you are working in any of the jobs listed here, kick back and rest easy. If not... go ahead and start learning to code. Until A.I. takes all of the coding jobs.
"I want to be perfectly clear about this. Being diagnosed with cancer does not mean what everyone thinks it means. It means he has cancer, but that doesn't necessarily mean he has cancer."
"The next thing you know, our entire country will be filled with these white foreigners. That would destroy all the work we've spent decades doing."
