Columnist.
As Election Day gets ever closer, the entire country is sitting on the edge of its collective seat.
You're welcome, Kamala! Next time an interviewer asks what's different, you'll be ready.
"People criticizing it just don't realize all the blood, sweat, and tears that were shed to make this episode possible."
All you have to do is use some good old-fashioned American ingenuity.
"It's very sad, very sad, but unfortunately in character for Democrats."
"It's going to be a bumper crop. So many ballots to harvest, and so few harvesters."
No one can compare to the storied journey of one Timothy J. Walz.
"Can anyone tell us what the current joy-to-groceries exchange rate is?"
"We will be forced to issue a warrant for his arrest if he does not turn himself in… or just drop out of the race."
"I was nervous at first ... but I didn't realize it was that kind of a debate."
"There are getting to be so many murderers, it's just clogging up the system."
A caravan of panicked Democratic mayors from all across the country has formed to march to New York.
"Donald Trump is going to wipe out our very existence with his endless wars," said Governor Josh Shapiro as he signed a cluster bomb.
"Just because I went on a couple of spa dates with Xi, everyone thinks I'm some type of undercover Chinese asset."
While she may have a lot of stars on her side, she doesn't have the ones that really matter.
Winfrey announced that everyone in attendance would receive a free MAGA hat.
Don't worry, nobody's laughing at you. Please don't put us in jail. Yet.
"She said it was a gift from some dear friends," one staffer explained.
The Secret Service has advised the Harris campaign that it would be best to avoid all public appearances from now through election day.
"Every time you see another attempt to kill a Republican, remember that Democrats are the party of peace and tolerance."
