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February 12, 2013

Obama Signs Executive Order Moving Center to the Left

WASHINGTON, DC, – Putting an end to the spate of recent unexpected discoveries by otherwise loyal journalists that he may be to the left of the county’s political center, President Obama Monday signed an executive order moving the country’s political center to the left, approximately two feet away from where he was sitting.

Many political commentators praised this as a “brilliant move,” which promises to bring them back right into the mainstream. In the words of a newly centrist pundit Ed Shultz of the suddenly middle-of-the-road MSNBC network,“ this decision also cements Obama’s position as president of all the people, at least all the ones that count anyway.”

Democratic Senator John Kerry thanked the President for giving him the opportunity, for the first time in his life, to experience being a centrist politician. In an interview aboard his yacht, “Tax Escapist,” soon-to-be-Secretary-of-State explained that he was thrilled his ideas would finally fit the definition of sober and moderate policies instead of wild fantasies out of left field. “My dreams have come true!” he admitted over a tray of truffles.

The unilateral decision to move the center leftwards followed two years of frustrating lack of compromise between the President and the now reclassified ultra-radical far-right-wing Republicans in Congress.

“With the center moved to its proper position, the public can fully appreciate the President’s earlier assertions that his opponents are way outside the mainstream,” said senior presidential advisor Valerie Jarret. “From the new vantage point, the Republicans appear so far to the right, they’re practically invisible.”

In addition to marginalizing the GOP, the move allows the President more elbow room in settling many of the currently divisive, hot-button issues. According to inside sources, the President is now ready to compromise on gun control with a new bill that will keep so-called “assault weapons” legal as long as they are only used to perform third-trimester abortions.

“This plan will please everyone within the redefined coordinates,” stated presidential Press Secretary Jay Carney. “All sides - far left, moderate left, center-left-left, center-center-left, center-left center, and moderate center-right will get something out of it. The only ones complaining will be those on the extreme-ultra-far-right fringe.”

“This glorious compromise will give us a five-year quota of political progress ahead of schedule,” said a spokesman for the newly redefined center-right Communist Party.

In yet another far-reaching compromise, the President is expected to approve the controversial Keystone XL pipeline on condition that, instead of oil, it would transport non-polluting solar panels from China.

“It’s a great bargain for everybody except Big Oil”, noted environmental activist Al Gore, who recently sold his non-polluting Current TV network to Al Jazeera - a channel that will bring us the current truth from the peaceful producers of environmentally friendly fuels in the Middle East. “President Obama’s political shift reveals many previously unacceptable common points that all sides can now accept, while rejecting the divisive partisan trivia that the broad center of the country doesn’t care about.”

Scientists believe that the long-term implications of the President’s executive order go far beyond politics. If Obama can just as easily move any other center, this could make cosmology a lot more interesting, not to mention easier for the scientific community to control in the interests of the common good.

This article is a satirical publication of The People’s Cube.

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