March 22, 2013

Obama Visits Israel, Avoids Hamas Rockets

WASHINGTON – In an historic move to heal wounds between the U.S. and the Zionist Apartheid State, President Barack Obama has started the first international diplomatic tour of his second term with a stop in Israel.

In an equally historic move, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reached out to Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas with a request to make peace with Hamas so that they could resume joint rocket attacks against Israel for one day.

“We understand the peace process has dragged on, but if the Palestinian Authority and Hamas could set aside their differences for this one day, and maybe work on their aim a bit, we’d really really appreciate it,” said Netanyahu. “We promise not to retaliate.”

Netanyahu seemingly tried his best to help Hamas with their historically abysmal aim by re-positioning Obama repeatedly during ‘photo opportunities.’

Reports indicate that at least four Hamas rockets were fired on Obama’s first day in Israel. None of the rockets came close to their target, which was unfortunate for the two West Bank families, who inadvertently got entirely wiped out. This gave Al-Jazeera an opportunity to blame the 23 deaths of Palestinian non-combatants on Israel.

Obama continued on to the West Bank today to meet with Abbas, where he unexpectedly likened future Israeli-Palestinian problem-solving mechanisms in a two-state solution to those used between the U.S. and Canada.

Canada responded by firing several rockets at Casper, Wyoming.

The homemade rockets fell short, killing several cows and destroying a barn and out-buildings belonging to the Johnson family just outside Bismarck, North Dakota.

“There can be no so-called friendly diplomatic solutions between the U.S. and Canada,” said Canadian Prime Minister, Seal Harpooner. “Not as long as they give up their secret plan to push us into the sea and take all our bitumen! We have tried diplomacy and they turned down a free bridge into Michigan. Friendly solutions, my cheddar! And we want our Cup back.”

No group had taken responsibility for the rocket attacks as of press time, but sources suggested they may have been the work of the University of Regina’s Amateur Model Rocketeering Club.

This article is a satirical collaboration with The People’s Cube contributor, Sister Massively Opiated.

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