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April 17, 2013

Guidance on the [Redacted] Threat

The People’s Cube expert on politically correct trends and self-censorship in progressive journalism files this report:

By Marion D.S. Dreyfus

Since early, no, mid-twentieth century, [redacted] citizens have been growing more concerned about the number of [redacted] working or residing in their midst. All such [redactions] are henceforth considered 100% unexceptionable, free of any [redacted] harassment, frisking or interrogation.

Members of this sub-majoritarian community, now called [redacted] in recognition of current media sensibilities and stylebooks, have barricaded themselves in [redacted] loci, in order to resist the onslaught of those distraught by changes in their culture / neighborhood / language.

Those not hewing to the [redacted] party line, who used to be understood universally as [redacted], are now effectively transferring dictionary definitions to slimmer but stricter compendia of received and acceptable linguistic carriers, once called vocabulary, or words.

Increasing focus on the impermissible terminology of the [redacted] culture has made the journalist’s career endeavor harder than ever, since [pronoun neutral] cache of accepted terms for once-prosaic issues and themes, people and cultural byways has become so strictured as to make a 500-word op-ed almost [redacted] impossible.

Dictionary compilers and aggregators are, however, earnestly at work unwriting as many formerly accepted terms and phrases as possible, the better to guide media hirelings in their efforts to convey as much of the news as [redacted] possible. In a similar vein, history books and research papers will be combed for [redacted] no-no’s and purged phraseology.

Many countries, consequently, are now taboo to cite, lest persons wrongly infer criticism of their culture or resource usage. Any but the mildest of identifiers are now strictly [redacted]. Defining a person’s height, age, weight, religion or ethnicity is now cause for systemic lawsuits from all aggrieved parties, of which there are as many as one can shake a [redacted] at.

Women may not be praised other than in neutral tones and terms equally apt for males. Adjectives and, more often of late, adverbs are to be avoided if at all possible. Otherwise, and in short order, one may be subject to [redacted].

Children until the age of 5 will be permitted the use of delinquent and condemned terms, but upon their 6th birthday, they will be given a menu of exceptions and exemptions, flouting of which will be handled by year-long time-outs in a county that is not yet declared unnamable.

The important work of the compilers continues apace, and prospective writers, broadcasters and citizens are advised to check the daily listings posted by the language syndicates. There is, of course, no higher authority to appeal to, should there be the least [redacted] confusion or articulation lag.

Television and films will be backstopped to delete and substitute contaminated and banned usages, images or signage. The new term for the emergent licit language is PCcabilese [peck-a-bill-ees]. Conversation in public will be monitored 24/7 by the affable [redacted] professors of imperturbable language. Acronyms will be vetted so as to avoid hurtful implications.

NB: Those using sign language have considerably more latitude, as non-sign-readers will have a hard time catching illicit usages, or words and phrases declared non-U, and proof of misuse will be nigh impossible, absent Google Glass. No criticism of any group, or even one’s own, is permitted, implied or itemized. Bulleted points are discouraged for the same reason.

Trespassers will be severely [redacted].

Oleg Atbashian, a writer and graphic artist from Ukraine, currently lives in New York. He is the creator of, a satirical website where he writes under the name of Red Square. He is the author of recently published Shakedown Socialism.

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