Post-May-Day depression is a growing malady that affects progressives each year, usually beginning late in the afternoon on May 1 and continuing until the morning of the next May Day.

For some, it is simply a result of too much sign-making and short-range marching with very few people giving a damn.

For many others the causes range from substance abuse to the frustration over their inability to force the wonderful progressive world order on the unenlightened by government mandate.

While most left-wing agitators in the U.S. and other free nations experience mild symptoms, some others are subjected to an almost paralyzing agony.

These helpful tips explain how dejected collectivists around the world can combat May Day depression by just taking a few simple precautions.

Realize that May Day is just a temporary, one-day celebration; your planned pseudo-Russian revolution will have to wait. Be prepared for the reality that, no matter how strongly you believe in the Comintern, there are very few others on board with you. Get some rest and don’t take your perennial rejection too seriously.


Prepare yourself for the nasty looks and harsh words of working relatives and friends whom you only see around your birthday. Let little jabs and sarcastic comments about your Communist proclivities go. Arguing or getting upset and making drunken or careless remarks at family gatherings won’t solve anything. Save any major discussions about the failure of capitalism for your monthly meetings with other fellow travelers.

Create a placard budget. Financial woes are a major cause of May Day depression and anxiety, especially since you, like most left-wing activists, are probably unemployed and depend on the good graces of your family and friends to have a place to sleep and a warm meal. By disciplining yourself and guarding what little money you can bum off folks at Barnes & Noble, you’ll prevent depression and still have a sign or two you can use for your agitprop marches of futility.

Once in a while wear clothes with colors other than red or black. It’s OK to lose the Birkenstocks, too. Billions of people do it every day all over the world – even in places where the glorious people’s revolution has already occurred. May Day Affective Disorder (MDAD) is a not a real illness unless you want it to be. Buy special anti-MDAD duds to brighten your mood. Talk to your greedy capitalist doctor if your ongoing rage and depression jeopardizes your daily activities, like sleeping or binge drinking.

Drop the holier-than-thou act. Not every person you meet or talk to will immediately agree with your Communist worldview. Your snide pro-collectivist remarks were only “cute” when you were in college sucking up to your sociology professor. May Day is a time to show solidarity with oppressed workers of the world and make lasting watercolor memories of bloody revolution, not proselytize the intractable running dogs into agreeing with you.

This article is a satirical collaboration of The People’s Cube.