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June 21, 2013

Obama Astounded to Discover That He’s Married

WASHINGTON – President Obama, in a press release this morning, revealed that he was “surprised” to discover that he has apparently been married for quite some time.

“The first I heard of it was when I saw a CNN report on my wife … uh … ‘Michelle,’ apparently … delivering an address to the National Coalition of Lobster Producers,” said the President. “This was as much a surprise to me as discovering that there were rogue agents in the IRS, of which I also learned from watching CNN.”

Presidential spokesperson Jay Carney was quick to point out that there are several layers of bureaucracy in any marriage, and that nobody on the White House Staff was aware of the marriage until CNN broke the story on March 22, 2013.

Evidence suggests that the marriage has been an on-going situation, as the President has also learned that he has two children, although their names, genders, and exact ages were not provided in the press briefing.

“I think it important to note,” Carney told reporters, “that at least one and possibly both of these children were already in place at the time the previous administration occupied the White House.”

It is possible that one or perhaps both were conceived during a Republican administration, or when there was a Republican majority in Congress.

New reports of this heretofore unknown First Lady have been surfacing, including some disturbing allegations of lavish spending on travel and accommodations over the past four years.

When questioned by reporters on the subject, Carney replied that while “such wild allegations were inevitable in an era of Republican overreach,” the President himself rarely accompanied the First Lady and had thus been completely unaware of any travel, if indeed any travel had taken place.

The Justice Department has announced it will be investigating possible leaks related to the revelation of the First Lady’s existence on CNN.

As a part of this investigation, Attorney General Eric Holder has obtained a warrant for all Fox News emails for the past 96 months.

This article a satire written by The People’s Cube author “Ivan Betinov.”

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