July 4, 2013

Wendy Davis for First Woman President! (Satire)

It’s very important that our next President be a woman – a Democrat, to be precise.

For years now we’ve taken for granted that that person should be Hillary. But I’ve long been concerned about her age – she’ll be 69 come 2016, which, I believe, would make her only the second oldest person to become President since…since…well, crud.

Let’s face it – she’s old, tired, and doughy looking, always wearing those colored pantsuits that show off all her rolls and cracks and creases and VPL, and her hair looks a lot like mine.

Really, she brings to mind certain lyrics of the “Soliloquy” from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Carousel, about some “fat-bottomed, flabby-faced, pot-bellied, baggy-eyed bully” who dared to boss around someone named – of all things – “Bill.”

And if that’s not enough, she has that Benghazi thing clinging to her heels and following her around like a stray length of toilet paper she inadvertently dragged from the little commissarka’s room.

Let us leave the old and doughy bullies with their closets full of skeletons to the GOP, shall we? We must have someone who’s not just female, but young, attractive, and with that compelling life story that will appeal to low information voters and adoring media alike.

That person is Texas State Senator Wendy Davis.

Not only was she a teen mom, but she once lived in a trailer park, and she wears really cool looking pink sneakers! I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to hear any more than that! Those are all the credentials needed to be a Democratic candidate for President!

Plus, because she could turn Texas blue. Need I say more?

I just wanna be the first to say it: WENDY 2016!

Now, what should I do with all these “Ready” t-shirts with Hillary’s semi-Cheshire Catty image on them? Do you think the homeless would like to have them? Maybe for rags with which to wipe windshields?

Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is renowned and admired by the masses for her dedication to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything and beating unruly proles with her shovel, she enjoys spending other people’s money, occupying other people’s property, and playing victim and moral authority cards.

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