[Editor’s Note: The following, of course, is satire. But let it serve to illustrate the extent of deceitfulness to which a self-fixated, paranoid narcissist with a massive, social inferiority will go in order to be king. Psychiatrists will please forgive the intrusion into their discipline. – Barry Neil Blake]

Archeological scholars recently revealed that among the Dead Sea Scrolls found in the Qumran caves near the Dead Sea many years ago was a rustic parchment detailing the history of the deaths of many small children 2000 years ago. The great delay in announcing this find was attributed to the difficulties of assuring an accurate translation and because of the uproar anticipated from conservative Christians everywhere. The parchment is a period account of a famous Biblical event. We apparently now have the truth of the event rather than the farcical, twisted story outlined by one of Jesus’ so-called apostles, namely Matthew, in the gospel by the same name. Here for the first time, completely translated, we publish the unvarnished story behind the deaths of the infants of Bethlehem.

There has been a great uproar of late concerning an incident told by travelers who passed by or through Bethlehem of Judea, just south of Jerusalem. It has been said that these sojourners were “shocked to their foundations” by what they called a “mass murder of infants.” I have interviewed these travelers and, believe me, the rumors are greatly exaggerated.

To be sure, the claim that there was a large number of infant deaths in Bethlehem has been greatly overstated, since Bethlehem is a relatively small, quiet town. And, that these young children were killed by sword or dashed against walls and that some parents were killed in their attempt to stop the killings is so far only storied gossip. Even the tale that residents sent a messenger for help, but that the plea was ignored, is the height of absurdity. It obviously happened too quickly for any such message to be sent.

Some religious zealots have claimed that Herod Obama himself was involved in the killings, but this is nothing short of slander. If Herod Obama had tried to kill a “prophesied” Christ, would he have killed girl children as well as the boys? (As we learned, both boys and girls up to the age of two were killed.) And, no, the claim that he killed all the young boys to insure the death of one, or that he killed the girl children in order to mask his intent is so heinous as to be ludicrous. Our king, who adopted the Jews’ religion and who built great architectural structures and improved the Jews’ own Temple, would not have carried out such a dastardly deed.

Let me back up and try to put this in perspective.

As most of you know, earlier this month a caravan of easterners came through our fair city looking for “the king of the Jews,” whom they expected would be about one or two years of age.

Now, first of all, who would listen to such rubbish; it was uncharacteristic of Herod Obama even to entertain such nonsense from foreigners, who no doubt had been reading tea leaves. In fact, no one else saw the star they claimed to have followed. As with any religious superstition, they had their following, and those “Tea Leafers” were in high hopes of seeing the “redeemer.”

Just the same, in order to pacify the visitors and to show them a kindness, Herod Obama commissioned a panel to help locate this future King. This distinguished panel consisted of the chief ruler of the Saddleback Synagogue, Balaam Warren, the joint rulers of the Lakewood Synagogue, Ananias and Sapphira Osteen, the High Priest Caiaphas Jackson, and the chief Pharisee Balak Sharpton. Their mission was to identify from the Jews’ superstitious writings where this Christ was to be born. Unable to reach a unanimous agreement, Rabbi Warren finally broke from the lengthy debate and said that his best guess was Bethlehem. Before the “wise men” left for Bethlehem, however, Herod Obama courteously asked them to return with news of their discovery, but they did not. This was nothing short of an insult – a slap in the face! Herod Obama was saddened.

After several days of intensive investigation, the palace officially announced just a short while ago that this attack was the work of mercenaries hired by foreigners who were provoked by slanderous graffiti and other unkind remarks about their religion and their prophet. This certainly is plausible, given the King’s own decree of “zero” intolerance. People outside of our nation might have been rightly indignant. Since Bethlehem is small and defenseless, it was, no doubt, the ideal target for retribution.

No further action is planned.

Herod Obama’s chief foreign representative, Jezebel Clinton, finally inserted some good sense into the situation: “At this point, what difference does it make? You can’t undo it.”

Both Ahab Reid and Delilah Pelosi of the king’s court agreed.

To be sure, this was a tragic incident; although, Athaliah Sanger of Planned Eugenics allowed that this was not necessarily a bad thing: “It is only right,” she said, “that the Jewish race be purged from time to time, since they are not the rightful heirs to the Abrahamic covenant. The Jews,” she continued, “are certainly not controlling their own birth rate as they should.”

Almost certainly, the religious zealots will paint this as a blight on our monarch’s record. They have already taken advantage of this incident by rekindling the claim that Herod Obama was born in Idumaea, rather than in Israel. As a result, these “birthers” are drawing attention from the fact that Herod Obama is scouring the countryside at this very moment in search of a small family that is rumored to have left Bethlehem at about the same time as the “wise men.”

Perhaps when they are found, they may shed light on this unfortunate event.

Mr. Blake is degreed in Theology and in Management.