L.E. Brown / November 30, 2015

Political Turkey Stuffing

A cheat sheet dubbed “A Guide to Thanksgiving with your Republican Family” and distributed by the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee has been found unworkable.

The “Guide” was promoted alongside a online plea for contributions to the DCCC. When the Guide went down, so did the fund-raiser.

The project was beset with confusion from the start.

One DCCC-associated website hadn’t been updated since 2011, when Steve Israel, a congressman from New York, was appointed DCCC chairman. Many Democrats thought Leftovich “Vicki” Monmuam from Bimini was now chairwoman.

Some progressives objected to the word Israel even appearing in DCCC literature, fearing that it would offend Kenyans who are running for congressional seats next year.

The issue of Israel is just one of the political correctness issues which plagued the guide/fund raising project.

The Guide featured talking points for Democrats, titled “Know Your Stuffing.” It was formatted so that Democrats had ready responses to Republican comments.

The problem with the Guide was primarily two-fold.

A political correctness expert said that there was not a single Republican comment and corresponding Democrat answer that didn’t contain something that might offend somebody.

Two fact-checking experts found every potential answer in the Guide to be a lie.

For example, Paul Ryan is described as lovable but the most conservative House Speaker in history, completing forgetting the adorable Tip O'Neill, a Democrat.

One answer has a Democrat saying that the Koch brothers are committed to spending almost a billion dollars to buy the 2016 elections, when in fact the most reasonable guess is that they plan to spend over three million, including what they give to moderate Republican-Democrats.

The Guide has Republican “Cousin Sally” saying, as she chomps on a turkey leg, that “Donald Trump is the only one who’s willing to tell the truth and keep our country safe.”

That may be true, says the political correctness expert and one of the fact-finders, but to claim that PolitiFact has said that 75 percent of the Trump claims have been rated “Mostly False,” “False,” or “Pants on Fire” and that zero of the claims PolitiFact has looked into were rated “True” is leaving any Democrat open to a scathing rebuttal by even the most moderate, timid Republican.

“It’s not too far in the past,” said Clarissa Corida Blewfin, one of the fact-finders,“ for Republicans to bring up far more colorful and zany Democrats than Trump, including the vice president, that preacher out in Chicago, not Jesse Jackson, although it would be easy to certify him insane, I’m talking about the one who counseled our president.”

“Yeah,” said Jose Velasquez Marvelous, the second fact-finder, “and Jimmy Carter may not be too sick to make one more crazy comment.”

As for a Democrat to cite one of the major accomplishments of president Obama as that he has doubled clean energy production: “That’s a lot of pure wind bull—,” said another adviser to the DCCC. “You might get away with claiming that Obama has brought peace to the Middle East, but not the wind hocus-pocus-POTUS.”

As for talking up that Democrats are middle class advocates, another adviser said, 
"That bus has sailed. Nobody really knows what middle class means anymore and if they did, there wouldn’t be any Democrat office holders who would fit into the middle class.

“Most of us are rich,” she said.

Proofreaders did catch one glaring error in contribution rules before the rules reached the public. One of the rules require that a contributor answer that he or she is a “U.S. citizen or lawfully admitted permanent resident (i.e., green card holder).”

A jokester had added to that sentence: “This does not mean you have to be a U.S. citizen or an ‘admitted permanent resident.’” You just have to say that you are.“

(Evidently this wag was having fun punning rules for voting: You don’t have to be a U.S. citizen, just sign attesting that you are. You will never be asked whether you are or not.)

What has added insult to injury for Democrats is that among the hundreds of new rules the Obama administration released two days ago is one that bans the execution of turkeys, unless it can be verified that they were raised in open fields, not in confinement.

Said one bureaucrat, a professional rule-maker, "We feel that if a turkey has had time on free range, he has had all the enjoyment he deserves.”

As for what to do with those turkeys spared execution, the bureaucrat, Barley Palmer Fitzgerald, said a panel of experts appointed by the president is now looking into this.

“The panel is to report to the Department of Homeland Security by 2017,” B.P. said. He added that it is likely that the turkey refugees will be allowed to settle in the United States, providing they promise to behave.

“We think a few hundred with mental problems may have to be penned up,” said B.P. “Most of the rest we’ll send to homes on the ranges in Arizona. John McCain has unique ideas on how to handle them.”

L.E. Brown, Jr. is an independent writer based in Magnolia, N.C. Contact him at [email protected]

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