Stephen Guy Hardin / May 10, 2011

El Presidente Does Not Mow Lawns

Former Mexican President and current Executive Director of Parking Operations for the Los Angeles Dodgers, Vicente Fox, speaking before a gathering of the San Antonio Chapter of the Cheech and Chong Fan Club, said this week that the only way to end the drug violence that is oppressing Mexico is for the United States to legalize drugs.

“As a country, we are going through problems due to the fact that the United States consumes too many drugs,” Fox said. “I would recommend to legalize, de-penalize all drugs.” Mr. Fox went on to clarify that if the United States legalized drugs Americans could then buy directly from the Mexican government and eliminate the cartel middle man.

Using brightly colored poster board and a set of used crayons, Mr. Fox made the unsubstantiated claim that more than 37,000 Mexican citizens have been killed since 2006, when the current Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, took office. Calderon has made the elimination of the drug cartels a priority of his administration and has sent the Mexican army to take over the cartels and roll them into his own personal cartel.

President Obama has indicated he will make it a priority to work with the Calderon regime to curb smuggling across the border. Mr. Obama has stated, “As soon as I get my fade away jump shot down I will make it a priority to score… I mean investigate the growing drug problem with Mexico. I also promise that as soon as Michele loses that last twenty pounds I will focus all the resources of the DEA and the DNC to helping myself… I mean Mr. Calderon with addressing Mexico’s surplus marijuana issues.”

Fox said the U.S. drug market is generating billions of dollars that are laundered in the United States and smuggled back into Mexico via underground burro trains. This freshly laundered money is then used to buy the cheap loyalty of government officials, Mexican police and military officers.

Fox went on to claim that Mexican drug money was being used to purchase large quantities of weapons in the U.S. and then smuggled back into Mexico to be used in gang warfare. But Mr. Fox saved his biggest complaint for the end exclaiming that in addition to the growing violence the escalation of drug traffic has created a serious shortage in pickup trucks and large sized SUVs. The current market value of a late model Ford 150 4x4 in Mexico is approximately 4 million pesos or about 24 dollars.

But, I digress.

“The question is not what is going on in Mexico, but what is going on in the United States. I have never heard President Obama say, ‘No more drugs for our kids. The U.S. does not want to stop it. We don’t deserve what we’re going through right now,’” Fox slurred as he broke down in tears and threw back another margarita on the rocks.

Margarita on the rocks, indeed.

The former president stated that drug use in the United States has grown at such a rate as to be unstoppable. According to Mr. Fox the only answer to Mexico’s victimization by the evil gringos to the north is the legalization of all drugs in the U.S. Or failing that, the United States should annex Mexico as its 51st state, so it may enjoy Mr. Obama’s vociferous welfare programs.

Fox decried the loss of a recent ballot initiative in California that would have legalized possession of small amounts of marijuana for party purposes and school lunch programs. He was especially distressed at the loss of his investment in a marijuana kiosk franchise, ‘Vicente’s Weed on Wheels’ that was planned in expectation of a ballot victory.

Fox cited the example of Portugal, which decriminalized the possession of drugs for personal use in 2001. He cited a recent Mother Jones article that drug use is down 25 percent in that country, as well as net profits for Central and South American drug cartels.

He further stated that some of the money being used in the war on drugs could then be used to convince Americans not to use drugs or at least how to properly use controlled substances.

Fox said so many of the Mexican victims are young people between 15 and 24 years old and that the country faces a “lost generation” due to the drug war. He also said, Mexico is paying not only in lives but in investment and in lost income from overweight, middle class American tourists who are afraid to travel south of the border.

Perhaps hitting at the core of Mr. Fox’s disgruntlement, he lamented the loss of so many skilled gardeners and landscapers, citing the near historic plague of grab grass that is overtaking the betters parts of Mexico City, especially his own rancho deluxe. Speaking in this trademark imperial third person, the former Mexican president closed his remarks in a notable tone of scorn and disgust, raising his voice above the din of busboys clearing tables, Mr. Fox yelled , “El presidente does not do mow lawns.”

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