Last week, my column dealt with President Donald Trump’s declaration that the “Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete” — it isn’t — and the release of the White House’s “Talking Points” related to the already infamous “Memorandum of Understanding” that has been signed and is now being sold (unconvincingly) by Vice President JD Vance who has suddenly reappeared on the scene.

And as we expected, the MOU — which was supposedly so amazing that the Trump administration refused to publish it until after it was signed — is just awful, demonstrating in 14 vomit-inducing points why Donald Trump has essentially lost the war that he started. All of it is built on the insane assumption that any agreement with the Iranian regime is worth more than the paper it’s printed on. It is also fattened up by the inclusion of an awful lot of promises regarding the respect of sovereignty, the refraining of interfering in each other’s internal affairs, and commitments to future negotiations. This also basically amounts to nothing.

But the MOU does involve some immediate actions. Unfortunately, every single one of them benefits Iran and Iran alone.

The first point delivers the “immediate and permanent termination of military operations on all fronts, including in Lebanon,” with a final deal “confirm(ing) the permanent termination of the war on all fronts, including in Lebanon.” Not only is it beyond bizarre to start a war and then beg Iran to agree to its end, but the fact that two combatants in the ongoing war in Lebanon (Israel and Iran’s proxy, Hezbollah) were not invited to sign this MOU, let alone engage in its preceding negotiations, is hugely telling.

The fourth point rewards Iran for its predictable closure of the Strait of Hormuz, with the U.S. “begin(ning) the removal of its naval blockade and any disturbances or impediments against” Iran… “immediately.” And that’s before we consider the promise to “fully” end the naval blockade within 30 days, and to remove U.S. forces from the region after the final deal — a final deal that Trump will no doubt be absolutely desperate to achieve.

The fifth point is another empty promise, this time for Iran to use its “best efforts” to the guarantee the safe passage of commercial vessels, and acts as the opposite of a palate cleanser to prepare us for the sixth point: the development of a $300 billion-plus plan “for the reconstruction and economic development” of Iran. But don’t worry! Vance has informed us that this money will go to buying American crops, or something.

Point seven is equally horrific, with the U.S. looking to “terminate all types of sanctions” leveled against Iran as “part of the final deal,” with both Iran and the U.S. “acknowledging the critical importance of the sanctions termination issue.” Iran thinks it’s important to remove sanctions against them? No way!

Point eight is comedy gold — Iran’s promise not to “procure or develop nuclear weapons” — while point nine promises the maintenance of the “status quo” of Iran’s nuclear program. The status quo is that Iran will keep developing nuclear weapons, Iran will keep lying to us about developing nuclear weapons, and we will keep believing them.

As if promises of billions of dollars weren’t enough, point 10 outlines another “immediate” undertaking: the issuing of waivers for Iran to resume the export of oil. Then, point 11 involves the unfreezing of Iranian funds and assets “upon the implementation of this MOU.”

The remaining three points are mere administrative notes regarding the monitoring of the MOU and the nature of a future deal.

This, ladies in gentlemen, is what the author of the “The Art of the Deal” managed to deliver after voluntarily launching this war in the first place. That is until a secret 15th point is uncovered, in which Trump promises to give Iran a free gym membership, a basket of mini muffins and one of his kidneys.

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