From The Comedy Store
Skydiver Felix Baumgartner waved to Internet viewers Sunday before leaping out of a rocket plane in the stratosphere. The world watched in awe. He free-fell to earth from over one hundred thousand feet, setting a new world record previously held by Facebook stock.
A Secret Service agent was found passed out drunk while doing advance work in Miami for the president’s trip. It’s too much security. You do not have to drink a beer from every keg in the city just to make sure that the one the president gets is not poisoned.
Lance Armstrong was cited in a thousand page report by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency Friday. The report said Lance masked the most sophisticated doping program in the history of sports. Bud Selig was gracious when he was informed the record is no longer his.
The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency released tons of evidence to show Lance Armstrong used steroids. They got Steven Spielberg to admit he didn’t use special effects in E.T., he used a double. That was Lance Armstrong riding his bicycle across the sky at the age of forty.
Space Shuttle Endeavor was towed from the Los Angeles airport to the California Science Museum. It survived one hundred and thirty million miles in outer space. However, after just fifteen minutes in Los Angeles, someone opened a car door and put a dent in the side panel.
Skydiver Felix Baumgartner waved to Internet viewers Sunday before leaping out of a rocket plane in the stratosphere. The world watched in awe. He free-fell to earth from over one hundred thousand feet, setting a new world record previously held by Facebook stock.
President Obama crammed for Tuesday night’s debate at a vacation resort in Virginia in preparation for his battle with Mitt Romney. They clearly don’t like each other. The president really got testy when Mitt Romney claimed that a YouTube video killed Big Bird.
Mitt Romney met Billy Graham in North Carolina and asked Rev. Graham to pray for him. He needs it. Earlier that day the White House took away Mitt Romney’s Secret Service detail and replaced them with embassy security from the State Department.
Argo starring Ben Affleck is a true story of a U.S. spy posing as a movie producer in Iran during the revolution. He rescued six U.S. hostages. It’s such a crowd pleaser that President Obama just blamed the next three U.S. embassy attacks on the movie.
Saudi Arabia condemned last month’s terrorist attack on the U.S. Embassy in Libya after it was confirmed by the State Department to Congress Wednesday. It’s appreciated. As we all know, Saudi Arabia condemns all acts of terrorism except the ones they sponsor.
The Supreme Court agreed to rule on Arizona requiring voters to show a photo ID at polls. They also have a test question. They ask you who won the Battle of the Alamo, and if you say they did, they hand you a ballot and if you say we did, they call Homeland Security.
Democrats planned a Million Big Bird March to support taxpayer funding for Sesame Street and Big Bird. The bird signifies cheer, kindness and brotherhood. About the only nice thing that Democrats won’t say about Big Bird is how many poor people he could feed.
Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. was probed for using campaign donations to decorate his house. He was just treated at the Mayo Clinic for bi-polar disorder and was reportedly seen drinking at a bar in Washington D.C. Rod Blagojevich deserves to have some time knocked off his sentence for not appointing him to Barack Obama’s Senate seat.
The Wall Street Journal reports that more and more Americans are moving overseas to look for career and business opportunity. Thousands are fleeing abroad. Now people in other countries will know what it’s like to lose their American jobs to a foreigner.
© Copyright 2012 Argus Hamilton
