From The Comedy Store
Nancy Pelosi told Democrats to back the bi-partisan budget deal last week although she said she realized that it sucks. She asked them to embrace the suck. Shocked listeners quickly realized Nancy just had a memory lapse and confused Obamacare with Clintoncare.
General Michael Carey was cited for conduct unbecoming a gentleman and removed from the command of U.S. missile defense after he spent a Moscow conference drinking and chasing hookers. Justice was swift. He has been placed in charge of the Secret Service.
Nancy Pelosi told Democrats to back the bi-partisan budget deal last week although she said she realized that it sucks. She asked them to embrace the suck. Shocked listeners quickly realized Nancy just had a memory lapse and confused Obamacare with Clintoncare.
President Obama added a junk plan to Obamacare that offers catastrophic coverage for people who’ve had their policies cancelled. Their policies were cancelled because Obama care rules deemed them junk plans. If Barack Obama had set sail from Spain with the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, six months later he would have discovered Spain.
Leo DiCaprio stars in the Wolf of Wall Street about stockbrokers in the Nineties. It’s a sermon against greed. And if there’s one thing that’ll inspire us to reject greed, it’s an actor who takes fifteen million and a percent of the gross to expose the evils of capitalism.
Dennis Rodman left North Korea Monday after auditioning North Korean basketball players for a team he will coach. It could be very dangerous for him to coach the North Koreans. If he can improve their accuracy from the three-point line, they could hit Japan.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un confirmed that his Uncle Jang was executed for sabotaging the state in late November. He didn’t specify exactly why. The best guess is that Kim Jung Un’s uncle tried to talk to him about Obamacare over Thanksgiving dinner.
Las Vegas convention officials announced that they will make a pitch to host the GOP Convention in 2016. The town offers conventioneers lots of alcohol and strippers, hookers and gambling and fifty golf courses. The Republicans will go home so guilty about cheating at something, they’ll vote for Hillary Clinton just out of the hope that she’ll forgive them.
The Reagan Library released the recipe for Ronald Reagan’s White House Egg Nog for holiday parties. The recipe includes sugar, half and half, vanilla, one cup of bourbon, one cup of rum and a cup of brandy. The Gipper always believed in peace through strength.
A&E ran a Duck Dynasty marathon Wednesday after they suspended Phil Robertson over anti-gay remarks. Last week he said gays are sinners and gays got mad at him. Then he went on to criticize adulterers, drunks and swindlers and now Wall Street is mad at him.
President Obama was photographed on vacation in Hawaii playing golf at the Royal Kaanapali Golf Club. The man never looked happier. Everyone who plays golf with Barack Obama says he’s a pretty good golfer for a guy who only plays six times a week.
The White House extended the deadline to enroll in Obamacare to Christmas Eve. No one knows if anyone’s buying. The Obamacare website drew a record-high two million visits Tuesday but that’s only because they posted a video of a cat stuck in a cardboard box.
Ed Snowden said the U.S. and UK governments track every move and conversation in the world. It’s for our security. At some point, it’s our business to know why the sign language interpreter is standing onstage next to President Obama at the Nelson Mandela memorial and saying that lightning and a touchdown makes a cow thirsty for sex.
President Obama signed the bi-partisan budget deal passed by the House and the Senate. No one wants another shutdown. To end the last shutdown in October, President Obama signed a bill to re-do the Capitol building and now the zoo is open again.
© Copyright 2013 Argus Hamilton
