Right Opinion

The Jurist's Tale

Caroline C. Lewis · Sep. 20, 2018

Once upon a time, there lived a people ruled by a constitution and the rule of law. Their legal system rested on the presumption of innocence and equality before the law.

Yet the Grouchlings, who sought to weaponize the law for their own advantage, had put judges in power who neither appreciated nor applied the constitution. The Grouchlings invented a form of jurisprudence with fancy terms like “living constitution” so that they could cut and paste what they wanted into the law. Yet they forgot that the law was based upon the dignity of the human person — not upon changing attitudes.

Then one day, one of the judges from the highest court in the land retired, creating an opening for a new judge. The president of the land appointed a good judge, a well-respected jurist, and a decent family man. According to precedent of past judicial confirmations, this man should have been confirmed. However, the Grouchlings launched a campaign against him. They lied and told people that he would take away birth control. They staged a circus of protesters in the confirmation hearings. They used crowd-funding intimidation tactics to strong-arm certain senators to vote against the good judge. If the senator voted for the good judge, these Grouchlings would give money to the senator’s opponent. Was this a campaign-finance violation? Possibly. But the Grouchlings didn’t care.

They only wanted to destroy everything so that they could build it up the way they liked. A strange resemblance to totalitarian governments that do the same. Though not perfect, the legal system required reform, not total destruction.

Meanwhile, back at the Grouchling headquarters, they noticed that in spite of all their antics, things were still not going their way. So the Grouchlings deployed their secret weapon: character assassination. You see, the Grouchlings didn’t actually argue ideas. Instead, they painted stories. Their oral tradition included epic tales of victimhood, oppression, and salvation through government programs using someone else’s money. If you asked the Grouchlings for data or a coherent argument, they might tell you that you have made them feel “uncomfortable” or “unsafe” and that you need to apologize for your hatred, bigotry, racism, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and intolerance.

Thus, when the good judge passed all the questions for his appointment, the Grouchlings launched a story, The Jurist’s Tale, of alleged sexual misconduct from 36 years ago. Yet, curiously, they had no specific location, no evidence, no testimony of witnesses, and the accuser refused to testify. While the legal system in the fair land was based upon the presumption of innocence, The Jurist’s Tale presumed the accused to be guilty of the alleged crime.

Indeed, the lawyer of the accuser stated that evidence and witnesses were not necessary, nor was testimony. In other words, the rule of law and the legal process didn’t matter. Which was not a huge shocker, considering that the Grouchlings despised the legal process anyway and only saw the law as a means to achieve their agenda.

And who cared if the allegations were patently false? The Grouchlings got TV, radio, and print media portraying the judge they hated as a monster. And it caused the people of the land to doubt the integrity of a man the Grouchlings opposed. Plus, most of the people in the fair land didn’t actually read. They knew how to read, but they were too “busy” watching TV or staring at pictures to read words. If “Judge Kavonian” and “sexual misconduct” were in the same line on TV or in a magazine, the average person would assume he was guilty.

But the Grouchlings had overused this storytelling tactic of sexual misconduct. They had used this same tactic in an attempt to destroy the likes of Herman Cainonian, Roymonian Moorski, Clarencian Thomasonian, Jim Jordonian, and even attempted to destroy the president of the land by throwing in Stormonian Danielzinsian.

The people of the fair land were tired of this, actually. They saw right though the lies, manipulation, and misinformation of the Grouchlings.

In another story, we will learn about how the Grouchlings lost their power because the people decided they didn’t want to be victims anymore, but we’ll save that for next week’s story time.

Until then, rest assured that the truth always rises to the top, and that the wise people of the land called their senators and said, “Please confirm Judge Kavonian and let’s go on with upholding the rule of law and the constitution.”


This story is fiction. Any association to persons living or dead might be coincidental.

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