By Douglas Daugherty

“If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.” —James Baldwin

World War II (1939-1945) was one many of our fathers, grandfathers, and great-grandfathers fought bravely in to free the world of a false idea that gripped Germany, then Italy, then Japan. Their idea of cultural/racial superiority turned into hardened armies that killed 70-85 million from war-related causes around the globe. The enemy was unmistakable.

A similar war, one of ideas and culture, has invaded the West. It is the false idea of “the useless man” in a family/society. It is a war on what feminist call “patriarchy.” The combatants are government and cultural change against single human, unaware men, fighting the battle for two of life’s most essential elements: intimacy and significance.

Intimacy speaks of the deep hunger to be known, found best in a marriage. This speaks of the need for love and companionship in a significantly close relationship.

Significance speaks to who you are and how you feel about yourself. If you feel the rejection of many, you feel less significant. This can lead to everything from depression and retreat from the true summons of life to agreeing with the premise, “You are insignificant.”

Is it important that a father be a parent to his children? Yes, they must be. To argue against this is to be on the “useless man” side of the battle lines. What a disaster this war is creating, full of casualties and fleeing civilians.

Let’s look at some facts.

In 1946, the first full year after the war, the birth rate of single women was 3.8%. By 2020 the number was 40.36%.

“So what?” some say. Single moms can make it just fine without a man partnering with them to parent.

When one working parent leaves the family, what happens to the family income? Yes, it is cut by maybe 50-60%. One child cost $272,049.00 to raise till they’re 18. This does not include the costs if parents continue to pay for college, cars, weddings … and the costs keep going on and on till an adult child takes responsibility for their own life. (Some never do.) The cost of additional children declines, but you’re still talking big bucks. In California, a basic family budget for two working parents and children is almost $76,000.00 annually. Forty-five percent of American families don’t make that kind of money.

Census Bureau data shows that the traditional family and economic well-being are interconnected. In 2020, according to the bureau, only 4.7% of married couple families in this country lived below the poverty level. But at the same time, 38.1% of female householders with children under 18 and no spouse present lived in poverty, as did 46.2% of female householders with no spouse present and children under six.

Poverty. That’s what comes from shunning the “useless man.”

Other than better economic opportunities, what does the father bring to the day-to-day reality of the home?

According to the one report, children look to their fathers to lay down rules, set boundaries, and enforce them. Children also look to their fathers to provide a feeling of security, both physical and emotional. Fathers are, or can be, the “moral force” that will give courage and support commitment in a child. Fathers also tend to teach their children how to both take risks and teach them and, at the same time, how to measure the results. They also help them learn about “delayed gratification.” Without it, you seize the moment’s pleasure when a far greater reward comes from practice, or saving, or studying.

When my dad taught me how to ride a bike. He would hold me up till I got steady. Then he would push me across the front yard, where he knew a fall would likely not create a bad injury. (Not the pavement.) He would then run behind me holding on to the seat. Once I got moving, inertia would take over, and he would let me go. Wobbly at first, with a few falls, I soon learned. I gained more confidence. I learned more skills. I learned how to avoid danger. What is going on in a man’s brain that he would train a child that way? What does a child learn from being trained that way?

Children who grow up with involved fathers are 39% more likely to earn mostly As in school, 45% less likely to repeat a grade, 60% less likely to be suspended or expelled from school, twice as likely to go to college and find stable employment after high school, 75% less likely to have a teen birth, and 80% less likely to spend time in jail. (childandfamiltresearch.edu).

How can this be? Well, the truth lies in the fact that men’s and women’s brain and limbic system respond differently to all of life. Take this example. If boys are playing a sporting game and one gets hurt, the boys say “Shake it off” or “Get out of the way.” Girls will gather around a hurt teammate and try to help. Females use both sides of their brain, the right and left hemisphere, frequently. Men don’t. This is not conjecture but science proven through decades of research and the newer ways of “seeing” what parts of the brain are working.

I was listening to the news recently. Ukraine now has close to three million refugees. The reporter said they were mostly women and children. At train stations the fathers were saying “Goodbye” to their wives and children, never knowing if they would see them again. The men were staying home to fight. If this were Hollywood, Angelina Jolie would come from nowhere and destroy a battalion of hardened Russian troops single-handedly. But that’s Hollywood.

Could missing fathers be a part of the gang violence in Chattanooga? In a recent poll taken by Spry Strategy for Hamilton Flourishing, 51.8% of the voters said that “gang shootings” were having an impact in the community. Many people know about the challenges facing some citizens. I was talking to one man last week who works with local gangs. He told me the story of a third grader who had already made up his mind to be in a gang!

Could lack of fathers be a problem with some low-performing schools? Could more father involvement reduce the population caught in the criminal justice system? Could the commitment to be a father create less single moms struggling with poverty and all its attendant problems?

Father engagement is critical. Yes, there are men who don’t know how and men who shouldn’t be let near their children. But the same can be said of women as mothers. But there are a few out there trying to reach young boys and help them grow into the men they could be.

The problems of the poor are a fulcrum that turn many people’s compassion into action. Depending on your philosophy, you can turn to the government or roll up your sleeves and get involved in some way.

The future plods steadily before you. You have no control of the onward steps of time. But you can prepare for it. We need whole, healthy families for that.

“She did not stand alone, but what stood behind her, the most potent moral force in her life, was the love of her father.” —Harper Lee

Personally, the best times in my life have been with my wife and my six kids.