The Gipper: “This is the issue of this election: Whether we believe in our capacity for self-government or whether we abandon the American Revolution and confess that a little intellectual elite in a far-distant capital can plan our lives for us better than we can plan them ourselves.”

For the record: “John [Brennan] is sort of like a freight train and he’s gonna say what’s on his mind. John and his rhetoric have become an issue in and of itself.” —former Director of National Intelligence James Clapper

Backpedaling: “The expression I used the other day was inartful, so I want to be very clear. Of course America is great and of course America has always been great. No one questions that. As you know, my family is evidence of American greatness. My grandparents came to this country as poor immigrants and their son became governor and his son became governor. That’s never been a question.” —New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo (How modest of him.)

Alpha Jackass: “Remember that baker from Colorado who won the Supreme Court case after he refused to make a wedding cake for the same-sex couple? Well, he’s back in court because of another cake he doesn’t want to bake. … Which is really funny, because this is a guy who spends all day, every day, meticulously designing flowers out of icing. His whole life is gay, okay? I don’t know if he’s worried the wrong cake might bring that to life or what. And I will add, this is Jack Phillips, the totally straight cake baker. You would think that someone who looks like the Reba McEntire version of Colonel Sanders would be more sympathetic to gender identity issues.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Non Compos Mentis: “I think [Donald Trump] might’ve learned the lesson this week [that] sometimes the dog bites back with a book deal. So in the words of my late friend Aretha Franklin, show some R-E-S-P-I-C-T.” —Al Sharpton

And last… “Press too busy explaining how it’s a vital watchdog for democracy to report much on the New Mexico compound or Feinstein’s Chinese spy.” —Twitter satirist @hale_razor